Intent 4/26/08

Man, all the blogs I've read this week are like weepy tributaries of tears into beers. Too bad there is no vaccine for heartbreak, just soggy holographic band-aids arriving late to the aftermath, always muttering excuses about the overwhelming traffic under their breath. (Does anyone mutter anything OVER their breath?)

Many of my virtual friends are feeling their way through some no-fault, but very unappealing circumstances, whereas others were INTENTIONALLY sliced by some sick piece of shit that gets off on the pain they can emanate from another being. Interesting how some people think you deserve a special brand of torture if you commit that horrific crime of having once been attracted to them. It amazes me the creativity they put into their abuse as well, very original, some of these. Yeesh.

We are all creators - no exceptions. When someone can't create something cool, they either try to cop someone else's thing or they create chaos and problems for everyone, but mostly for themselves.

Creation never ceases, whether it's recognized or not. Every word out of your mouth creates a feeling in someone else. Every action you take creates a reaction. I don't say this to paralyze you into constant analysis of everything you do or say, but I do find a teensy bit of shock at how many aren't the least bit mindful of INTENTION, and maybe a shout heard here can whisper elsewhere.

I like psych books and am currently reading a book about this man who survived an upbringing that would've made even Hitler wince, and frankly, I don't know if I can finish it. I just don't understand (happily so) people that INTENTIONALLY hurt others and get off on it.

I know that whatever these blowhards have done was probably also done to them, but that makes it worse if you do it KNOWING how awful it feels. I wish I could say that mean people get what they put out there or what is coming to them, but I don't know if I really believe that. If you go with that line of thinking, then the person who was on the receiving end of their abuse is getting what? Is that what they deserved?

I don't have anything clever to say here, I'm just feeling rather reflective and thinking about INTENTIONS and control. You can't control other people, not what they think or do, or how they perceive you. What you can control is your INTENT. If you are doing or saying something with the INTENT to hurt or control someone else, you suck, especially now that you are aware of it. =)

Check yourselves.

No One I Think is in My Tree 4.19/08

Last weekend I was catching up with someone I hadn't seen in years, and he asked me if there was any band/singer that I was into but found too embarrassing to admit. A guilty pleasure, if you will.

I triumphantly replied that there is no such thing for me, musically, anyways. For all my faults (and there are many) and insecurities, if there is one thing I have complete, unblemished, confidence in, it is my taste in music. This area is where no doubts whatsoever reside (they prefer to hang out in the area that relates to other humans, I'm guessing).

With music, I live a philosophy that borrows from Damone's Five Point Plan in the film "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJnIWLTneKY), where he says "Wherever ya are, THAT'S the place to be." Point 3, I believe it was (the rest of his plan is fantastically retarded and obviously dated, minus the Zepplin stuff heheheh).

In my case, it's WHATEVER I LISTEN TO, THAT IS THE BEST SHIT THERE IS (without exception)! Whether it be The Carpenters, The Raconteurs, or Snoop Dogg, I fervently believe that if I'm digging it, there is nothing groovier. When it comes to the tunes, I love HARD and without restraint.

There are past male companions and some people I share DNA with that I would be red-faced upon revealing our association, but I'll proudly show the contents of my IPOD to anyone. Guilt and embarrassment may piss on other avenues of my existence, but they get no face time when it comes to my ear candy.

I'll never regret my musical choices, but I do, however, regret some things I've done because of music.

One such event involved me cranking the volume in my car and my passenger making the unpardonable mistake of assuming that what he had to say was of equal importance to what I had just boosted. Thus causing him to unthinkingly touch the controls of what was pleasuring my ears, diminishing the decibels in a bold, but very stupid, act of "shushing".

All of time as we know it came to a face slapping halt, and I suddenly lost the capacity to blink. I was shocked and overtaken with the stones this one thought he had. He was, of course, viciously banished once I regained my composure. After all, it was my car and as far as I was concerned, only threats to my health or others' in my immediate surroundings warrant the snippy shutdown of Bowie. Especially the pill-popping Bowie that handed us "Moonage Daydream", the nerve!

Ok, that was some years ago. I've mellowed a tad and would never dump someone over something so trivial these days. Besides, I keep my IPOD in a steel bear trap on my lap when I drive now - good luck trying to grab that!
In regards to the holiness we call "music", I am thoroughly unapologetic and always will be. That IS who I am, though I can't help thinking that maybe I need to spread that feeling out a little more evenly. Like to things that breathe and aren't covered in fur (the two leggeds).

In the end, they do play songs at memorial services, but what if there is no one there to hear them?

Callously Call Us Callused 3/28/08

Usage Note: Do not confuse the adjective callous, as in Years of dealing with criminals had left her callous, with the noun callus, as in I have a callus on my thumb. Also, do not confuse the verb callous, which means "to make or become callous," with the verb callus "to form or develop hardened tissue." - Dictionary.com

Last evening I had quite a few conversations with several different people. We discussed a variety of things, MUSIC (bien sur), heartache (I heard three tales of woe and told my own), synchronicity (man, I had a ton of coincidences happen later in the night, WEIRD), and RISK, which sort of factors into all of the above mentioned subjects.

RISK is defined as "exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance", which is pretty damn negative if you ask me. Aren’t you also exposing yourself to the possibility of personal gain, healing, and happiness as well? Is there a different word for that angle of RISK? My fogged up brain can’t think of one at the moment, so pardon me if one is available and I overlooked it.

There is an underlying defeatism that we’re taught from day one and it’s been sold to us under the guise of protection, but in the end it’s our worst enemy. It can be so limiting that we even feel the need to speak of RISK in hesitant terms, mainly to not look the fool or "jinx" things, if you will.

It’s strange how people often grip so hard to what they believe are statistical outcomes.

When you choose music as a career path, you are met with many a furrowed brow and no matter how talented you are, you will always be asked what "plan b" is by some buzz killer. If they don’t know anyone that makes a living that way, it’s just out of their scope of thinking. These people truly suck. They itch when they hear phrases like "reckless abandon" and they scowl from the inside out at the mere hint of passion over reason. They have lifetime subscriptions to complacency and are fixated on tea bagging oppression. Guarantees are absent in any profession, one car accident can affirm that.

There are no guarantees in love either. My one friend is clearly smitten with someone, but it’s a long distance thing and it seems like there is this careful propriety of how you even can speak about it, which I don’t get. So what if it’s risky? 95% of the people I know/knew that got involved in long distance relationships are married and happily so, and I really can’t fathom divorce ever factoring into their futures. 95% of the people I know/knew that got together under what is deemed "normal" circumstances are earnestly awaiting divorce papers or are vigorously anticipating the death of their significant other.

I didn’t bring my version of statistics to the table, but I told him to make a fist. Then I told him to open his hand. You can get scarred on either sides of your hands but the inside of an open hand is fleshier, more prepared for injury, and can even build up calluses for protection.

Anyone who plays a stringed instrument remembers the razor-like pain you experience when new strings first meet soft, virginal fingers. The ears’ demands must be met so the hands must persevere. Eventually, calluses form on your fingertips and there is a sweet numbness that is brokered between you and the strings as long as you remain committed to the pressing.

Calluses won’t form on the outside of your hand, though, so if you are more of the closed fist kind of person, you’re fucked(unless you wear boxing gloves the rest of your life). Fists are really only necessary in two instances: fighting and bizarre sexual acts that I can’t get my mind around. Try picking up something with your fist, it’s not very practical is it?

Open hands invite experience despite the consequences, and maybe those unclenched fingers can tickle RISK a little, whether it’s in dealings of the amorous or in doing what is meaningful to you.

"I Wanna Hold Your Hand" was the first song I ever heard, in my recollection. Nobody writes songs about holding fists.

Currently listening : ABBA - Gold: Greatest Hits By ABBA Release date: 21 September, 1993

Keep Your Eyes Ahead 3/12/08

I was in the other room last night when I first heard "Keep Your Eyes Ahead" by Helio Sequence, and from that distance I mistakenly thought it was Ian Brown, who is the former lead singer of the much cherished (at least by me), but now defunct, Stone Roses.

I dashed to the source, got informed, and was a bit surprised as I had previously thought HS were sort of a fly by night computerized band. They definitely made a better second "first impression" on me and I really dig that.

I love it when I’m wrong about something in a good way, you know where you think something sucks but it’s better than you thought? As opposed to thinking something is better than it actually was, which usually applies more to people stuff than music. A song is rarely misrepresenting itself now is it?

A song is a song is a song, you get to decide what it is for you, and hopefully the meaning will remain incorrupt or get even better with every occasion you attach it to.

I’ve had songs ruined for me though, as one should never play the good stuff for someone you are into until you are SURE (as much as one can be). I soured a good batch of songs that way, but I’m optimistic that I’ll get them back somehow, someday.

I was out last night and the DJ played "Are You Gonna Be There?" by the Chocolate Watchband (one of the greatest band names EVER) and aside from one other person I used to know, I’ve never met anyone that even heard of ’em let alone played ’em out in public (at my goading of course), so that was cool.

I was listening to a great 60’s tune whilst getting my highest score ever on a great 80’s video game (GALAGA). Puts a nice new spin on the song, I’d say.

Sometimes I’m pretty easy to please =)

Currently listening : Keep Your Eyes Ahead By The Helio Sequence Release date: 29 January, 2008