I’m Not Human, I’m Just Stuck in One, Pt. 3

"Turning into myself
I wanted to bite not destroy" Banquet - Bloc Party

What are we really?

Incandescent surprises trapped behind fraudulent facades? Some of us.

Shell casings full of sideways, pilfering bullets? Some of us.

I spent hours staring and saw absolutely nothing. Nothing didn't stare back, but it did look right through me.

We are all "hot", but just too cool to know what to do with that.

Being bored with that concept was about four exits back for me.

Nobody listens anymore; we're only quiet when waiting for our turn to spew.

Just a bunch of dicks set on "output" only, every last one of us.

Dying to be heard and screaming to be seen, but earnestly trying to grow an extra set of hands to cover our ears and eyes in unison so nothing creeps in.

Fear of losing yourself into what you hear or see, becoming them. Or fear that you won't.

The separation, the disconnect - it all becomes suffocating. Everyone wants to be understood, but no one wants to understand.

We can't all point in one direction. Someone has to Yin and someone else has to Yang.

Receptive, receptors, receiving.

Currently listening :
Bloc Party
By Bloc Party

Correction Day

(Photo: me on my way to vote)


"I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again" - Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who


I voted early on Halloween, and you've probably heard me say by now that even though I'm right handed, I voted with my left hand - I'm just that liberal. I'm the only one in my immediate family, as I come from a long line of staunch, racist, Republicans (please note that not all Republicans are racist, but the ones that share my specific DNA definitely are).

This election has really divided people in a way that I've never seen. Creepy. The hate spewed around is unconscionable and just makes me wonder about certain humans in ways that I've never done. Both sides of the "aisle" have done some shitty things making me wish we could do away with the "aisle" altogether.

When Senator McCain was on "Saturday Night Live" and he was booed, I found that in poor taste. When someone hung an effigy of Governor Palin in California, that was just sick.

"Just wanna know what're you gonna do for me, I mean are you gonna liberate us girls from male white corporate oppression? Huh? Don't be shy. Fear of a female planet?" Kool Thing - Sonic Youth


I've seen some horribly sexist bulletins about the Governor as well (from BOTH sides) that I find beyond grievous. Frankly, I don't care to hear your dick's version of politics, is that ever going to be possible? Funny how your penis has no comments on the male candidates (your mouth seems to applaud some stances on issues then, but when a woman appears your oratory hole gets plugged by your own wank - why is that?).

When referring to the Governor of Alaska, I've only heard Republican males say they'd "fuck her", but they never once eek out any admiration on her views (just the view of her). Classy. Not to be outdone, some lefties totally pornify her, again ignoring the issues. (Insert deep sigh, rolling eyes, crooked lips, and a slight head shake here.)

The sexism has been a small beauty mark compared to the cystic acne of hate that I've seen unleashed in the direction of Senator Obama. In person hate, not from-the-tv-edited-out-of-content type of hate. Four different people have said to me that they hated him so much, that they wanted to "fucking KILL him." Wow. I dared not ask why (self preservation of sanity), but I have a hunch.

This type of talk immediately reminded me of Joseph Mazagwu a former Tampa, Florida police officer that was arrested and lost his job for saying to his dry cleaner that someone should kill G.W. Bush, and that he would do it if given the bullets. He wasn't serious, but his dry cleaner turned him in for "treason". If Senator Obama becomes president, will the left become that petty and over the top about Section 18, United States Code, 871 (you have Google - get to clickin')? I've got a feeling we could pay for health care with the fines from that alone!

It's one thing to joke, but the animosity I heard in those tenors was more than disturbing. I don't want to hear that shit about anyone, unless they caused you or your lovies bodily harm, or extreme mental discourse PERSONALLY. If nothing else, I wish there was respect for the office they hold. (Maybe if we respect it, it will become respectable again?)

I know it's difficult to do that when people in office do despicable things, like the mayor of Fort Mill, South Carolina, Danny Funderburk. This guy forwarded a chain letter email claiming that Senator Obama is the Anti-Christ (he's not, I checked snopes.com). If there is an Anti-Christ (which Jesus NEVER mentioned one), according to what I've read, they HAVE to come into power to have the rapture, end of days, etc. It would seem anti-Christian to vote for anyone but Senator Obama if he is the AC, I mean, that's totally running interference. I voted for him just out of pure love for my Christian peoples (can I have the gas out of your car when you ascend to heaven, seriously?). Plus the added bonus of all us Godless Indians getting our land back once these sweet folks fly away with the Messiah did factor in (we're definitely closing the borders after that shit).

Oh that's another one; people are flipping out pissily saying the Senator from Illinois is being looked to as a "Messiah". I guess you just can't get too popular without haters (ask John Lennon, oops ya can't). I wonder if he was white, and named Bruce Stealyourshitler, would this be a problem?

"I've been wonderin' why people livin' in fear off my shade
(Or my hi top fade)
I'm not the one that's runnin' but they got me one the run
Treat me like I have a gun, all I got is genes and chromosomes
Consider me Black to the bone
All I want is peace and love on this planet
(Ain't that how God planned it?)" Fear of a Black Planet - Public Enemy.

Lots of whitey fear getting very ugly. Senator Obama is running for President of everyone, not "Black President" (uh he's half white), he's not going to steal white money and give it to what the prejudicial assfaces refer to as "lazy people that didn't earn it" (that's putting it far kinder than I've heard). The people most afraid of cheaters ARE cheaters, just because YOU would act like trash if you got into office, doesn't mean someone else will. Some people use their power for good, as hard as that is to conceptualize.

Bigots are just afraid of themselves showing up in others.

Probably the worst thing I've heard out of this entire election season was Governor Palin's remarks implying two Americas: "Ril America" and I guess the fake one that was attacked on a Tuesday morning in 2001.

The first thing I thought of was something my bestie Bonnie, who worked as a graphic artist for Blue Cross/Blue Shield in the World Trade Center, told me. I nearly fainted when she answered her phone at 9am on September 11th, after I saw 2 planes crash into her place of work. She called in sick, but not everyone in her company was that fortunate. Ed Beyea, her wheelchair bound co-worker, was stuck on the 27th floor waiting to be carried to safety. Not wanting to leave his friend behind, another co-worker named Abe Zelmanowitz, stayed with Ed to make sure the Fire and Rescue knew to help when they arrived. They were of the many that perished that day.

My mind was on those two guys when the Alaskan Governor decided to piss on the memory of those we lost in "fake" America. She apparently seems to think "Washington outsiders" are better than those that lost their lives at the Pentagon as well. (Both NYC and DC were home to me at some point, if you don't like them, don't fucking go there).

It's deplorable to use 9/11 as your agenda for fear one minute (or AT ALL), and then insult the people who died that day by claiming they weren't "rilly" Americans.

No matter which way the election goes, I'll be celebrating tomorrow night. I'm proud that our country has come far enough to bring a female and a racial minority to the fore of leadership (maybe next time an Apache Hermaphrodite for Prez ay?). I know some people like the original constitution with the slavery and not letting the chicks vote (the people that changed all that were considered "terrorists" by the way), but I think life is about progression and growth, and sometimes that means CHANGE. Hate prevents mental growth (and hair growth, ask the skinheads); without mental growth, I fail to see why we exist.

Regardless of who wins, the current occupant of the oval office will be out soon. Conspiracy or not, I'll drink to that!

"I'm tired of the old shit, let the new shit begin" Old Shit/New Shit - The Eels


Currently listening :
Changesbowie
By David Bowie

Fear Factor

"Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling." Fearless - Pink Floyd

When people ask me what my greatest fear is, I almost always reply "My greatest fear is someone else finding out what my greatest fear is."

FEAR is the real "F" word.

It's not a very tasty trait, fearfulness, and I think it's why a lot of people don't like cats as cats are about a 9 on the skittish scale on a relaxed day. I'm fluent in Skittish so I like cats, but I can't stand how small dogs are scared of everything (especially of losing their crotch, you ever notice how they check between their legs every five minutes to make sure no one stole it?); I prefer big dogs.

People LOVE fear. We are so intimate with fear, we crave it. We like to be scared. Some of us get off on it. Some of us do stupid shit just so we can feel even more fear.

Some of us know that FEAR is a tool, and we use it to lord over someone else. Instilling it gives you power and control over someone or some many.

We all can smell fear on someone else, and some of us can't resist the urge to attack the source of the fear, it's our nature. Some of us do rise above it and reach for compassion instead, but it's a meager few.

The fears I've heard discussed during this election season are far scarier than anything Halloween related or horror film worthy. I don't mind if people discuss what they like about who they support, but when the fear and negativity appear, drag city.

It's made some otherwise attractive people very unappealing. Fear is impressionable, but it's ugly. I think if you're fearful, you attract things in your life to be fearful about.

Like having a tracker on my Myspace was out of fear, because I got messed with by some whackos (mostly of the jealous female kind - jealousy springs from FEAR), and having the damn thing got me into all kinds of trouble. The paranoia cost me a friend or two. FEAR attracts some bad Juju, so I removed the tracker and put my space back to public. Whatever happens, I'm confident I can handle it. What I don't know won't bother me.

I've always feared lies and lying, and I'm trying to get over it because I think there are some things you should lie about depending on where you live. If you live in the United States, for instance, you should definitely lie if you are agnostic or an atheist. You're life will just be easier if you do. Even Oprah looks down on "unbelievers", and you can never run for office if you don't claim Christianity (lip service goes a long way when fear is paying for the tickets).

It feels unnatural, like I would imagine a gay person trying to be hetero would feel, but I wish I had stayed in the closet. I'm not outspoken but some of my family hates me for it, and my half brother tried to kill me once a few Christmas's ago. I wonder if Jesus was impressed by his multi-tasking talent of being able to strangle me, bash my head into the wall, and repeatedly scream "Atheist" all at the same time. Somehow I just can't picture the bearded one giving a thumbs up to that way of celebrating his bday (all of my besties are Christians and they don't ever party that way).

Fear is hideous, but it's the devil we know.

I think fear will win, but I'm not afraid to be wrong about that.


Currently listening :
Meddle
By Pink Floyd

Behind Blue Eyes

"No one bites back as hard on their anger.
None of my pain and woe can show through." Behind Blue Eyes - The Who

In this life, I've been given a unique perspective because of my racial and cultural background, but sometimes I feel a smidge uneasy with the positions it puts me in and I feel the need to bitch about it, right now.

I'm considered a minority on paper because of my ¼ American Indian blood quantum. Since I clearly look white, most people don't believe me or they simply assume that I'm Caucasian. My sister and father are darker skinned, but I tend to repeat my mom's semi-Aryan look (it's only "semi" since her grandmother was a Russian Jew that looked middle eastern but she married Whitey McWhiteness and blonded the DNA a bit).

Back during the good old genocide days of "Colonial America", being a quarter blood would have given me fewer rights as a human being than a full blooded white person. I would've been considered a terrorist and "less than", regardless of my baby blues.

Nowadays it ensures my enrollment with my tribe, a somewhat free education in the state of Michigan, and I can legally own an eagle feather (that makes up for everything THANKS).

I'm guessing 99% of the people reading this can't name at least ten different American or Canadian Indian tribes off the top of their heads (no Googling and you can't include CHEROKEE or SEMINOLE, respectively - too easy). Americans don't like to think about the first inhabitants of this portion of earth because things didn't go down so hot and hey, if we don't see them, they're not there right? (That was/is the plan.)

I'm not going to whine about the racist laws still on the books or the land leasing issues still fucking over the people that are now being solicited to help with the energy crisis (the land that was strip mined and thought useless is now a great set up for wind-powered energy, go figure), no, those rants would fall on deaf ears in most circles anyways.

Actually, my dilemma is rather simplistic and solvable, but it requires some cooperation from people that part their teeth and shove words in my direction.

Neighbors, family, and friends say horribly racist shit to me all of the time and if you retort in any other fashion aside from agreement, YOU are shot down (or worse) as "overly sensitive". YOU are the bad one for not letting them be ass holes.

Most of the time now, I just shake my head silently in disgust as I cannot change these people and I'm not going to attempt such a feat - it's futile. I shan't cross them out of my life (I've tried that, it's not pretty), but I can't say they get 100% of my respect either (and they will never see me naked fo sho). I know they would never say such things in front of the person or target they're verbally shitting on, but that sort of makes me even more pissy, because they think it's ok to say in front of me (um… it's not).

I've even had someone say "Well you look mostly white, so what does it matter?"

How…? Wha….? So I guess if looked like Irene Bedard* that would spare me having to listen to your racist rhetoric? (If I looked like Halle Berry I know it would.)

Just because I look white, DO NOT ASSUME I'M A FUCKING RACIST LIKE YOU MIGHT BE!!!! Do NOT assume that I am of the same religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) that you are, and do NOT assume I vote a certain way. KEEP YOUR NEGATIVE SHIT TO YOURSELF!

I don't care if you're just "joking". Some people think that if they laugh hard enough after they unleash their racial slurs, that it's just half a stab, nothing to get defensive over (maybe it sounds funnier when you have a white hood over your ears, but since I don't…kindly fuck off).

Powerless. Hate wins. All I can do is raise my eyebrows and take note.

Then I wonder what they say about me when I'm not around.



*I'm not giving it to you. Google her.


Currently listening :
Smoke Signals: Music From The Miramax Motion Picture
By B. C. Smith
Release date: 1998-06-23

Purity of a Moment

Feeling it 8 feet high with a Telecaster in hand. *

The rarity of kissing someone new whilst completely sober at the time.

Having long hair solely for whipping around your face when driving 70mph screaming the chorus to "Spit It Out".

The breeze that bumps across a thousand heads as "House of Cards" is playing live in your presence for the first time at an outdoor venue. The air trickles from Radiohead to the potheads to your left, and you inhale this collective warm smile that doesn't require teeth, just no resistance.

Cinnamon whenever, wherever.

*Eastern Conference Champions


Currently listening :
Ameritown
By Eastern Conference Champions
Release date: 2007-07-17

Arm’s Length

"If I'm to fall, would you be there to applaud?" I'm Outta Time - Oasis

I just finished watching the film "Boy A", a British film based on the 2004 book of the same name. The story is set in Manchester, England so I thought it only fitting to quote one of the more recent songs to emerge from the city that gave us The Stone Roses, Joy Division, New Order, and The Chameleons UK.

I'm pretty sure the song might be about falling in love, but that's not what I thought of upon first listen. Aside from the fact that it rips off "Wish You Were Here", my favorite Pink Floyd tune (it wouldn't be Oasis if they didn't "borrow" from someone else now would it?), I immediately thought of someone that I used to think was my friend that would salivate at the thought of my "falling"/failing. I was too stupid and naïve to see it at first, but it sunk in eventually. You couldn't get away from this person unless it was their choice (or they thought it was), and even when you thought you were done, you weren't (insert bad Pacino impression, but with conviction, here).

I finally severed things and had a few good years to myself (don't think I got out without scars either), but like the idiot that I am, I forgave and let the person back "in" somewhat when they contacted me again. Stuuuuupid. A person shows you who they are when you first meet them, if you let them jerk you around, it's your own fault.

Forgiveness is tricky isn't it?

The movie "Boy A" is about this guy is in his early 20's and just out of prison for a crime he committed as a 12 year old. He seems like a nice guy that was properly rehabilitated, and the director introduces you to him in more or less the same view his new environment gets of him. From 12 to 23, there is a big difference, and I do believe you can change, but I think around 15, there are certain things about certain people that will never change. This guy did reform, and they show you in flashbacks from whence he came, but it's the two plot lines of un-forgiveness that shape the ending. The best of intentions always come at a price, it seems.

I stupidly forgive, more often than I should. You just want peace, but these emotional vampires want PIECES. You want so badly to remember the awesome times, because they were some of the best moments of your existence, but the sting you get in the back of your knee whilst unsuspectingly reminiscing, is more painful each time because you should've known it was coming. You warned yourself, and you didn't listen.

This person was a witness to my history, but the pain of being estranged is a pinch compared to the stab that closeness inevitably brings.

______________________________________________________________________

Sometimes, I think I'm allergic to people. They make my soul itch and my eyes tear up.

EpiPen?


Currently listening :
Dig Out Your Soul
By Oasis
Release date: 2008-10-07