Sunday, November 23, 2008


"I'm so hot for you, I'm so hot for you
I'm so hot for you and you're so cold
" She's So Cold - The Rolling Stones

The question has been put to me time and time again, and I'm going to come clean here: YES, I would fuck a vampire.

There would be conditions, of course. The vampire must be amazing looking, answer all of my questions beforehand, and have a full stomach so as to avoid any mishaps that could lead to my becoming "undead" as it were ("dead" wouldn't really work for me either, as I really want to catch the season finale of "Californication").

My first curiosity lies in body temperature; how cold are they? Like slightly nippy cold, or icicle cold? I certainly don't want a tongue stuck to a frozen monkey bar type of incident (let alone any other moist parts getting frosted together), and if they are THAT cold, how can they summon the guard? I mean, isn't circulation sort of a necessity for making Count Dickula come to life for a few rounds?

I'm guessing they don't have problems with "shark week"* do they? Not to be gross, but wouldn't that make them hungry?

The fangs, are they there all the time? Because there are certain things that if I wanted them pierced, they'd be pierced already. I like my neck ravished more than Christmas, but the key is not to leave any marks (or puncture wounds), so obviously some self restraint will be required dentally in addition to the "old school" duration practices expected of the living penile partners (no three minute bloodsuckers allowed).

I'm guessing if they're dead there is no cause for concern in the area of STD's or pregnancy, which leads me to my next question? Do they shoot blanks or like tiny little bats or what? I know it's crass, but I gotta know.

Breath. If you have death on your breath, that's a deal breaker. If you're a vampire, you had best be keeping a water pic in that coffin, along with vast amounts of Toms of Maine mouthwash. Even then, I still would request they rinse and spit a half bottle of Belvedere vodka in front of me, just to make sure. Yeesh.

If all these questions are answered to my pleasing, I'm good to go but would have one final request.

Can I wear the cape?

* Menses (ew)

Currently listening :
Vampire Weekend
By Vampire Weekend
Release date: 2008-01-29

Put Your Hands Up

"Put your hands up for Detroit
Our lovely city"
Put Your Hands Up For Detroit - Fedde LeGrand

Yours truly was born in Dearborn, Michigan approximately 5 miles from downtown Detroit.

When most brains process Detroit, two things come up: Motown music and cars.

A good deal of the people I grew up with there have someone in their family that worked or works in the motor vehicle arena (my grandmother and one of my aunts both did 25 years at Ford Motor Company respectively). I don't know what Detroit would be without car companies, but unfortunately, I may soon find out.

This week, pleas for an auto industry bail-out were shocking to the ears as our eyes saw the pleaders fly in three SEPARATE private jets to D.C. for a handout. The representatives being asked for said handout duly responded by tearing their hair out and hanging themselves in alphabetical order (by state) with seatbelts from the latest Ford Fiesta vehicles. Well, not really, but that would've made some good TV.

I won't put my hands up for Detroiters like this, but I can spare a middle finger.

There are a few other auto related "FUCK YOUs" that I would also like to note:

To whoever spilled steering or brake fluid all over the road and it got kicked up into my engine by my wheels this week and cost me 50 bucks to get cleaned off - FUCK YOU!

To whoever dropped the nail on State Rd 54 that decided it's new home would be my left front tire 2 years ago - FUCK YOU! (A similar FUCK YOU to the ass that left one on Wilson Blvd in Arlington, VA when I was 20 as well.)

To the family based business I used to take my old Celica to that seemed to find a way to charge me a grand every single time (which was every three months) I needed a repair - FUCK YOU!

To Toyota when they quit making the Celica - FUCK YOU! (I will rescind this if you bring it back as a hybrid. I get hard just at the mere prospect.)

To Ford for the obvious reasons, and not making better cars than Toyota. I can get a family discount at Ford, but me no likey the product, so again - FUCK YOU!

To anyone I've ever bought a used car from - FUCK YOU!

Now the "Fuck Yeahs":

To my mom for giving me an awesome 2003 Celica - FUCK YEAH!

To Toyota for servicing my car in under an hour the rare few times I had to go there - FUCK YEAH!

To people that sell used car parts on eBay - FUCK YEAH! (I got a $500 part on there for $30 including shipping to my mechanic.)

To my cleavage for helping me out with my mechanics - FUCK YEAH!

To gas being under two bucks a gallon again - FUCK YEAH!

Currently listening :
The Cars
By The Cars