Friday, October 31, 2008

Fear Factor

"Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling." Fearless - Pink Floyd

When people ask me what my greatest fear is, I almost always reply "My greatest fear is someone else finding out what my greatest fear is."

FEAR is the real "F" word.

It's not a very tasty trait, fearfulness, and I think it's why a lot of people don't like cats as cats are about a 9 on the skittish scale on a relaxed day. I'm fluent in Skittish so I like cats, but I can't stand how small dogs are scared of everything (especially of losing their crotch, you ever notice how they check between their legs every five minutes to make sure no one stole it?); I prefer big dogs.

People LOVE fear. We are so intimate with fear, we crave it. We like to be scared. Some of us get off on it. Some of us do stupid shit just so we can feel even more fear.

Some of us know that FEAR is a tool, and we use it to lord over someone else. Instilling it gives you power and control over someone or some many.

We all can smell fear on someone else, and some of us can't resist the urge to attack the source of the fear, it's our nature. Some of us do rise above it and reach for compassion instead, but it's a meager few.

The fears I've heard discussed during this election season are far scarier than anything Halloween related or horror film worthy. I don't mind if people discuss what they like about who they support, but when the fear and negativity appear, drag city.

It's made some otherwise attractive people very unappealing. Fear is impressionable, but it's ugly. I think if you're fearful, you attract things in your life to be fearful about.

Like having a tracker on my Myspace was out of fear, because I got messed with by some whackos (mostly of the jealous female kind - jealousy springs from FEAR), and having the damn thing got me into all kinds of trouble. The paranoia cost me a friend or two. FEAR attracts some bad Juju, so I removed the tracker and put my space back to public. Whatever happens, I'm confident I can handle it. What I don't know won't bother me.

I've always feared lies and lying, and I'm trying to get over it because I think there are some things you should lie about depending on where you live. If you live in the United States, for instance, you should definitely lie if you are agnostic or an atheist. You're life will just be easier if you do. Even Oprah looks down on "unbelievers", and you can never run for office if you don't claim Christianity (lip service goes a long way when fear is paying for the tickets).

It feels unnatural, like I would imagine a gay person trying to be hetero would feel, but I wish I had stayed in the closet. I'm not outspoken but some of my family hates me for it, and my half brother tried to kill me once a few Christmas's ago. I wonder if Jesus was impressed by his multi-tasking talent of being able to strangle me, bash my head into the wall, and repeatedly scream "Atheist" all at the same time. Somehow I just can't picture the bearded one giving a thumbs up to that way of celebrating his bday (all of my besties are Christians and they don't ever party that way).

Fear is hideous, but it's the devil we know.

I think fear will win, but I'm not afraid to be wrong about that.

Currently listening :
By Pink Floyd

Monday, October 27, 2008

Behind Blue Eyes

"No one bites back as hard on their anger.
None of my pain and woe can show through."
Behind Blue Eyes - The Who

In this life, I've been given a unique perspective because of my racial and cultural background, but sometimes I feel a smidge uneasy with the positions it puts me in and I feel the need to bitch about it, right now.

I'm considered a minority on paper because of my ¼ American Indian blood quantum. Since I clearly look white, most people don't believe me or they simply assume that I'm Caucasian. My sister and father are darker skinned, but I tend to repeat my mom's semi-Aryan look (it's only "semi" since her grandmother was a Russian Jew that looked middle eastern but she married Whitey McWhiteness and blonded the DNA a bit).

Back during the good old genocide days of "Colonial America", being a quarter blood would have given me fewer rights as a human being than a full blooded white person. I would've been considered a terrorist and "less than", regardless of my baby blues.

Nowadays it ensures my enrollment with my tribe, a somewhat free education in the state of Michigan, and I can legally own an eagle feather (that makes up for everything THANKS).

I'm guessing 99% of the people reading this can't name at least ten different American or Canadian Indian tribes off the top of their heads (no Googling and you can't include CHEROKEE or SEMINOLE, respectively - too easy). Americans don't like to think about the first inhabitants of this portion of earth because things didn't go down so hot and hey, if we don't see them, they're not there right? (That was/is the plan.)

I'm not going to whine about the racist laws still on the books or the land leasing issues still fucking over the people that are now being solicited to help with the energy crisis (the land that was strip mined and thought useless is now a great set up for wind-powered energy, go figure), no, those rants would fall on deaf ears in most circles anyways.

Actually, my dilemma is rather simplistic and solvable, but it requires some cooperation from people that part their teeth and shove words in my direction.

Neighbors, family, and friends say horribly racist shit to me all of the time and if you retort in any other fashion aside from agreement, YOU are shot down (or worse) as "overly sensitive". YOU are the bad one for not letting them be ass holes.

Most of the time now, I just shake my head silently in disgust as I cannot change these people and I'm not going to attempt such a feat - it's futile. I shan't cross them out of my life (I've tried that, it's not pretty), but I can't say they get 100% of my respect either (and they will never see me naked fo sho). I know they would never say such things in front of the person or target they're verbally shitting on, but that sort of makes me even more pissy, because they think it's ok to say in front of me (um… it's not).

I've even had someone say "Well you look mostly white, so what does it matter?"

How…? Wha….? So I guess if looked like Irene Bedard* that would spare me having to listen to your racist rhetoric? (If I looked like Halle Berry I know it would.)

Just because I look white, DO NOT ASSUME I'M A FUCKING RACIST LIKE YOU MIGHT BE!!!! Do NOT assume that I am of the same religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) that you are, and do NOT assume I vote a certain way. KEEP YOUR NEGATIVE SHIT TO YOURSELF!

I don't care if you're just "joking". Some people think that if they laugh hard enough after they unleash their racial slurs, that it's just half a stab, nothing to get defensive over (maybe it sounds funnier when you have a white hood over your ears, but since I don't…kindly fuck off).

Powerless. Hate wins. All I can do is raise my eyebrows and take note.

Then I wonder what they say about me when I'm not around.

*I'm not giving it to you. Google her.

Currently listening :
Smoke Signals: Music From The Miramax Motion Picture
By B. C. Smith
Release date: 1998-06-23

Friday, October 24, 2008

Purity of a Moment

Feeling it 8 feet high with a Telecaster in hand. *

The rarity of kissing someone new whilst completely sober at the time.

Having long hair solely for whipping around your face when driving 70mph screaming the chorus to "Spit It Out".

The breeze that bumps across a thousand heads as "House of Cards" is playing live in your presence for the first time at an outdoor venue. The air trickles from Radiohead to the potheads to your left, and you inhale this collective warm smile that doesn't require teeth, just no resistance.

Cinnamon whenever, wherever.

*Eastern Conference Champions

Currently listening :
By Eastern Conference Champions
Release date: 2007-07-17

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Arm’s Length

"If I'm to fall, would you be there to applaud?" I'm Outta Time - Oasis

I just finished watching the film "Boy A", a British film based on the 2004 book of the same name. The story is set in Manchester, England so I thought it only fitting to quote one of the more recent songs to emerge from the city that gave us The Stone Roses, Joy Division, New Order, and The Chameleons UK.

I'm pretty sure the song might be about falling in love, but that's not what I thought of upon first listen. Aside from the fact that it rips off "Wish You Were Here", my favorite Pink Floyd tune (it wouldn't be Oasis if they didn't "borrow" from someone else now would it?), I immediately thought of someone that I used to think was my friend that would salivate at the thought of my "falling"/failing. I was too stupid and naïve to see it at first, but it sunk in eventually. You couldn't get away from this person unless it was their choice (or they thought it was), and even when you thought you were done, you weren't (insert bad Pacino impression, but with conviction, here).

I finally severed things and had a few good years to myself (don't think I got out without scars either), but like the idiot that I am, I forgave and let the person back "in" somewhat when they contacted me again. Stuuuuupid. A person shows you who they are when you first meet them, if you let them jerk you around, it's your own fault.

Forgiveness is tricky isn't it?

The movie "Boy A" is about this guy is in his early 20's and just out of prison for a crime he committed as a 12 year old. He seems like a nice guy that was properly rehabilitated, and the director introduces you to him in more or less the same view his new environment gets of him. From 12 to 23, there is a big difference, and I do believe you can change, but I think around 15, there are certain things about certain people that will never change. This guy did reform, and they show you in flashbacks from whence he came, but it's the two plot lines of un-forgiveness that shape the ending. The best of intentions always come at a price, it seems.

I stupidly forgive, more often than I should. You just want peace, but these emotional vampires want PIECES. You want so badly to remember the awesome times, because they were some of the best moments of your existence, but the sting you get in the back of your knee whilst unsuspectingly reminiscing, is more painful each time because you should've known it was coming. You warned yourself, and you didn't listen.

This person was a witness to my history, but the pain of being estranged is a pinch compared to the stab that closeness inevitably brings.


Sometimes, I think I'm allergic to people. They make my soul itch and my eyes tear up.


Currently listening :
Dig Out Your Soul
By Oasis
Release date: 2008-10-07

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Just Because...