Wednesday, January 27, 2010

She Fangs

Above: Ian Somerhalder

How fucking romantic
must we really waltz?
drag another cliche
howling from the vaults
How Fucking RomanticThe Magnetic Fields

Ugh, I just sat through the movie “Twilight”.

“Why?” You ask as you grimace in solid distaste. Well someone I grew up with was murdered a few days ago and I was already in a weird place, but this brought me to that level where you just don’t want to think. TV is the antidote to thinking and voila, "Twilight" was on Showtime HD and honestly the cinematography was lush and pleasant. The script however, was not. Rated “lame” for mature audiences.

Many wonder the appeal of such films, but it’s quite simple. Mousy brunettes want a guy that’s a tortured soul who needs and craves only them. He is SO sensitive and hides things to protect them, but NEVER lies. He’s pretty, but strong (never muscular) and keeps them safe at any cost. He looks at them like he’ll die without them but lives to linger only in a stare. Having sex may kill the girl so overly dramatic restraint is a necessity.

He would never get drunk and do anything vulgar like yell “Show me your tits” to female passersby, no! Such words would never stain his lips. He’s mysterious and different. He doesn’t watch sports, he’d rather hear stories about how no one else understands but him, and truly no one does understand but him. He texts them all day, even while they’re being chased by really evil vampires he takes a moment to text and say how great her elbows look as they run for their lives. He dismembers the enemy seconds after hitting “send”, but will text again even if she is standing right in front of him, he just loves her that much.

Vampires kill people, but it’s okay as long as they’re good looking and monogamous. If the vamp were to look at the girl’s friend for more than two seconds though, she would stake him in the left pec fo sho.

There should be a disclaimer at the beginning and end of the movie like “Caution, this is fantasy. There's no such thing as a good looking, monogamous dude that gives a shit about anything you have to say in America or probably anywhere. Interesting, mysterious guys that care about brains over a pretty face are fictitious! The possibility that vampires exist is more probable than the males postured in this film. You are setting yourself up for crushing blows of reality and years of costly therapy if you delude yourself into thinking men are even remotely like this.”

The fantasy male and female in these times makes me wonder how any of us ever get together at all (oh yeah alcohol).

I confess I do watch “Vampire Diaries” but merely to drool over Ian Somerhalder (Boone on Lost). The show itself blows aside from his scene stealing character "Damon". It’s “Roswell” subbing vampires for aliens this time right down to the pretty, brown haired girl (blondes aren’t allowed to be smart leads with otherworldly boyfriends) that narrates the show as she writes in her diary. It sucks but there are no eye pleasing males where I live so I make due via Verizon Fios.

At least on VD they don’t put white make up solely on the vampire’s faces that so obviously doesn’t match the rest of their skin like they did on Twilight. Hello! HDTV! Please keep up!

HBO’s True Blood is more adult oriented with loads of sex and the evil blonde vampire “Eric” is hot, but the lead characters annoy the shit out of me. I hate the South and when Paquin’s character “Sookie” speaks, I feel like my IQ drops a few points to acquire the translation.

At least whoever does the soundtracks for all these vamp viewings is on the same page as I am. Muse, Radiohead, and just about every other band fronted by a seemingly depressed dude that would make a decent bloodsucker are featured.

Well as bad as I am for watching this shit, you’re reading about me watching it.

Sad state of affairs isn’t it?

**RIP Carrie**

Friday, January 15, 2010

P As In Pterodactyl

Above: Me & Ben P. Chmura

"She she she shine on" Shine On - House of Love

Oh so glad Ben wasn't kicked off the first episode of Project Runway! Was great to have him back in Tampa. He's really a sweet guy and I hope he continues to do well. The party was great, and the after party was pretty wild too, as you can see below. I found a dude who was drunk, but asleep on his feet. This is one of many photos I took that kept some of us tards epically entertained for a good ten minutes:

I saw a funny cartoon about Pterodactyls today ( that made me think of one of my odd quirks. Whenever I have to spell a "p" word out on the phone, I always say "P as in Pterodactyl". I'm an asshole, and I freely admit it.

At least I don't say "P as in PHONE", heheheh. =)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Necrotic Humliation

You should know time's tide will smother you
And I will too
When you laugh about people who feel so very lonely
Their only desire is to die
Well, I'm afraid it doesn't make me smile
I wish I could laugh
But that joke isn't funny anymore
That Joke Isn’t Funny AnymoreThe Smiths.

I was enjoying a French dining experience with one of my favorite gays when he told me his month old relationship had gone to a yucky place. He thought they were doing well and suddenly the other guy just backed off and wouldn’t talk to him anymore. He asked what was going on and was met with “It’s complicated”.

“Next!” I shouted, waving my hand brutally to eschew the imagined fuckface that was hurting my adorably, dimpled sweetness of a friend. He said he tried to have a conversation for clarity, but ambivalent excuses were all that came up, if anything at all. He couldn’t explain how he felt.

“Humiliated?” I asked whilst cramming a crepe in my mouth, and he nodded with sad appreciation.

Ah “humiliation”; the unwittingly used tool of evil by the stultifying, spineless users of the world. They don’t have the foresight or brains to know they're doing it, but they're all cowards and that's why. They can’t take the confrontation of honesty for fear they may hear something they don’t like, but instead string someone along in avoidance of the uncomfortable, messy ten minutes it could take to give someone closure.

Humiliation is what breeds school and office shootings, but I’m talking on a more foundational level in which someone thinks all is ok and it’s not and they can’t get over the embarrassment of “not seeing” or whatever.

When you walk in on your live-in girlfriend and find her blowing someone on YOUR bed. How did you not know? How could you have been so wrong about someone and is that why she never blows you now? The obvious disappointment hurts yes, but the humiliation is often harder to handle.

When your man says “We need a break, it’s going too fast” and you back off never to hear from him again, that’s him avoiding having to face you and be honest. So now if you ever run into him, you’re the one embarrassed and humiliated.

I’ve had it happen once where someone that wanted to see and chat with me a lot just stopped, and when I asked him about it, he acted like nothing was wrong. Humiliating. You’re just a “use” for later, if necessary, if they can’t find someone better, or they just hope you’ll go away and they don’t have to be the one that was the “baddy”.

I broke up with some guys last year, and I was honest and up front on everything. Not one of them said anything horrible to me. They were disappointed, sure, but not humiliated, deceived, or misled. I was dead honest the second I felt that things weren’t going well and told them. Not one of them is home all fucked up asking themselves where they went wrong, or what they did to ruin things. I was very clear on what was and wasn’t working for me and what I need and wasn’t getting without being insulting or mean.

How hard is that? If you’re not over your EX and didn’t realize it till you were with someone else, SAY THAT. If you really like multiple relationships at once, SAY THAT. If you only like what you can’t have, SAY THAT (I have when it applied and I’m still alive).

If you don’t want to say “the sex sucks” (believe me, this last year has been adequate at best for me in this arena), then you say “I don’t think we have the chemistry I thought we would”. If you have tried to school them and they don’t get it or don’t want to learn to get it, tell them. If you were only interested in sex, tell them. If you don’t like their politics or religious attitudes and foresee issues there, TELL THEM!!

It’s not complicated, you feckless, insipid fucktards! It’s really simple. You don’t have the courage to ask for what you want so someone else suffers. Stupid shits like you are why therapists charge $120 an hour and STILL have an overflow of clientele. Your cowardice victimizes and humiliates. You are a good chunk of what pushes people to suicide and other lesser forms of self-abuse.

Your wish washy bullshit and lack of being in touch with who you are has a ripple effect. Your lame, hazy excuses are telling the other party that they are not worth the truth and they DON’T MATTER.

Is that worth it? Is that what you really want to say to someone “hey you aren’t worth telling truth to, you simply don’t matter”? Saying it like that will set someone off ay? But when you don’t tell the truth THAT is what you’re saying.

I would like to say everyone is worth the truth, but there are dangerous circumstances where lives depend on lies for safety from scary people and for survival, but I’m not talking about that. (Though one does wonder, had some kind honesty been in play, would these psychos have ended up that way to begin with?) People that are already lying to you and fucking you over aren't worth the truth either.

My poor little gay is hot, talented, and loveable and worth the truth. He matters and I kind of want to stab the person that made him feel otherwise.

Lying, vagueness, excuses, and lip service are so 2009. Truth, directness, culpability, and compassion are the '10s. Happy and healthy to you all in this new decade. Well, not you all, some of you can fuck off =)