Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Crock Stars

I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore
" Starlight - Muse

If you're given a death sentence for Xmas, can you exchange it for a declarative sentence?

Do rich people comfort their pets or kids by saying "my POOR baby"?

Has the phrase "partied like a rock star" (or anything "like a rock star") been done to death? If not, could someone please put it out of its overused, annoying misery?

Unless you've dipped a headband in LSD and then applied it to your sweaty forehead just before you went onstage to take guitar playing to another level in front of 50,000 people, you've not "partied like a rock star".

Unless you've woken up clothing free, unaware of what your name is, and in another non-English speaking country, you've not "partied like a rock star".

I fucking hate everyone who uses this comparison. It demeans the term "rock star". If everyone is an RS, then it's not very special or even palatable anymore.

There are plenty of pop stars, but to me a ROCK STAR is a musician that changed the face of music as we know it. This has nothing to do with album sales, it's about smashing facades and revamping the world (not recycling someone else's work and calling it your own).

You're not the RS of accounting unless you have somehow managed to make it interesting.

You're not the RS of surgery unless you've found a way to transplant heads.

You're not the RS of body piercing unless you've made frontal lobe piercing the next hot thing.

You are, however, probably a lame, trendy-ass, irritating, wannabe that more than likely isn't even comprehensive of anything progressive. I'm also willing to bet you're always yapping loudly on your cellular phone making everyone in earshot fantasize about you being fatally stabbed in the face.

POP star, ROCK star, FILM star. Starlet starring in fucking STARBUCKS.

Stars are unavailable lights that hang in clusters in the sky mostly far apart from one another.

Stars are seen, but never heard.

Be like a real star and shut the fuck up.

Currently listening :
Black Holes and Revelations
By Muse
Release date: 2006-07-11

Sunday, November 23, 2008


"I'm so hot for you, I'm so hot for you
I'm so hot for you and you're so cold
" She's So Cold - The Rolling Stones

The question has been put to me time and time again, and I'm going to come clean here: YES, I would fuck a vampire.

There would be conditions, of course. The vampire must be amazing looking, answer all of my questions beforehand, and have a full stomach so as to avoid any mishaps that could lead to my becoming "undead" as it were ("dead" wouldn't really work for me either, as I really want to catch the season finale of "Californication").

My first curiosity lies in body temperature; how cold are they? Like slightly nippy cold, or icicle cold? I certainly don't want a tongue stuck to a frozen monkey bar type of incident (let alone any other moist parts getting frosted together), and if they are THAT cold, how can they summon the guard? I mean, isn't circulation sort of a necessity for making Count Dickula come to life for a few rounds?

I'm guessing they don't have problems with "shark week"* do they? Not to be gross, but wouldn't that make them hungry?

The fangs, are they there all the time? Because there are certain things that if I wanted them pierced, they'd be pierced already. I like my neck ravished more than Christmas, but the key is not to leave any marks (or puncture wounds), so obviously some self restraint will be required dentally in addition to the "old school" duration practices expected of the living penile partners (no three minute bloodsuckers allowed).

I'm guessing if they're dead there is no cause for concern in the area of STD's or pregnancy, which leads me to my next question? Do they shoot blanks or like tiny little bats or what? I know it's crass, but I gotta know.

Breath. If you have death on your breath, that's a deal breaker. If you're a vampire, you had best be keeping a water pic in that coffin, along with vast amounts of Toms of Maine mouthwash. Even then, I still would request they rinse and spit a half bottle of Belvedere vodka in front of me, just to make sure. Yeesh.

If all these questions are answered to my pleasing, I'm good to go but would have one final request.

Can I wear the cape?

* Menses (ew)

Currently listening :
Vampire Weekend
By Vampire Weekend
Release date: 2008-01-29

Put Your Hands Up

"Put your hands up for Detroit
Our lovely city"
Put Your Hands Up For Detroit - Fedde LeGrand

Yours truly was born in Dearborn, Michigan approximately 5 miles from downtown Detroit.

When most brains process Detroit, two things come up: Motown music and cars.

A good deal of the people I grew up with there have someone in their family that worked or works in the motor vehicle arena (my grandmother and one of my aunts both did 25 years at Ford Motor Company respectively). I don't know what Detroit would be without car companies, but unfortunately, I may soon find out.

This week, pleas for an auto industry bail-out were shocking to the ears as our eyes saw the pleaders fly in three SEPARATE private jets to D.C. for a handout. The representatives being asked for said handout duly responded by tearing their hair out and hanging themselves in alphabetical order (by state) with seatbelts from the latest Ford Fiesta vehicles. Well, not really, but that would've made some good TV.

I won't put my hands up for Detroiters like this, but I can spare a middle finger.

There are a few other auto related "FUCK YOUs" that I would also like to note:

To whoever spilled steering or brake fluid all over the road and it got kicked up into my engine by my wheels this week and cost me 50 bucks to get cleaned off - FUCK YOU!

To whoever dropped the nail on State Rd 54 that decided it's new home would be my left front tire 2 years ago - FUCK YOU! (A similar FUCK YOU to the ass that left one on Wilson Blvd in Arlington, VA when I was 20 as well.)

To the family based business I used to take my old Celica to that seemed to find a way to charge me a grand every single time (which was every three months) I needed a repair - FUCK YOU!

To Toyota when they quit making the Celica - FUCK YOU! (I will rescind this if you bring it back as a hybrid. I get hard just at the mere prospect.)

To Ford for the obvious reasons, and not making better cars than Toyota. I can get a family discount at Ford, but me no likey the product, so again - FUCK YOU!

To anyone I've ever bought a used car from - FUCK YOU!

Now the "Fuck Yeahs":

To my mom for giving me an awesome 2003 Celica - FUCK YEAH!

To Toyota for servicing my car in under an hour the rare few times I had to go there - FUCK YEAH!

To people that sell used car parts on eBay - FUCK YEAH! (I got a $500 part on there for $30 including shipping to my mechanic.)

To my cleavage for helping me out with my mechanics - FUCK YEAH!

To gas being under two bucks a gallon again - FUCK YEAH!

Currently listening :
The Cars
By The Cars

Thursday, November 20, 2008

REVISED All-In: Hypo-Theticritical REVISED

"Cath, it seems that you live in someone else's dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
Where the things that could have been are oppressed
" Cath - Death Cab for Cutie

Imagine falling in love with someone to the point that your survival depends on their next breath. This person shares your type of humor, and your beliefs and political views could graciously hang out in the same room together. You love their tongue for providing eloquence in the words you hang onto, and how it sends messages through your skin that cause your eyes to roll back to places rarely seen. You would prefer death to their absence, and they reciprocate in ways you've never fathomed.

Now imagine that they're from another country and their Visa runs out next month and they HAVE to go back minus you. You've sifted through every option, but the only way you can stay together is by getting married. Sooo you do that and live happily ever after, end of story, UNLESS you both have the same epidermal architecture between your legs. Civil unions don't grant green cards.

"We have two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice and another which we practice but seldom preach." ~Bertrand Russell

If you voted to deny homosexual humans ANY of the same rights that you have, you have some s'plaining to do. Why do you get to impose your religious beliefs onto someone else? Beliefs that you, yourself don't 100% follow? Hip-hopcrisy? I'm tired of seeing rappers on tv saying that Obama getting in is a step towards ending discrimination, and then giving props to prop 8. How many of them have had threesomes ya think? Hello, that involves some GAY. If I were to grab my girl Sabrina and offer up some girl on girl on guy with some of these "mic masters", that would be against the WORD word? You think they'd walk away from it? I think I'd see some serious gold teeth shimmering in delight myself. Alas, if gay is wrong, no touchy-touchy.

Decisions are based on biblical references, the book from which they pick and choose what THEY can get down with, but Mo's aren't allowed that same courtesy. It's one thing to want that life for yourself, but it's fucked up to smugly impose on others what you can barely subscribe to. How come homosexuals have to do everything that the bible says but you don't Puffy? Do you think you are better than they are?

Can we at least make "civil unions" allow ALL the rights of marriage and not call it marriage? No mention of them in the bible.

"Separation of Church and State" protects both sides, but I'm so over it leaning off to the right.

ALL IN! If there are amendments based on religious beliefs, THAT is NOT separate, but hey, let's do it to the fucking hilt! The bible states that whoever you stick your dick in, you HAVE to marry them. No exceptions. It also allows for multiple wives ages 13 and up; are we going there too? (R. Kelly will.) Can't eat pork or shrimp (oh the Chinese unemployment rate just skyrocketed and no more quoting Chris Rock's "How much are them ribs?"), and you can't work on the Sabbath or you get stoned to death (pastors included). The bible does not say anything bad about pedophilia (I've read it twice all the way through)…need I go on?

Which part of Christianity are we gonna give the honor? Credit card taking Catholics (pay your way to heaven at just two bucks a candle) or the snake handling southern Baptists (all you can freak)? If I'm forced to hold a live, sober rattlesnake, then I change my mind. I will marry after all, but to someone from another English speaking country that isn't pretending to be democratic when it's not (these countries, damn they lie!).

If we aren't going to separate church and state, then it's time to pay taxes my praying little pretties (retroactive to the 50's when the government put the religious thumbprint on money and our pledge of allegiance). You know what happens then? You'll have to drive 60 miles to find a church, but an illegal abortion clinic will be in spitting distance (or, at the very least, on every Indian reservation next to the casinos).

I really don't give a yak's ass what our money says, and I don't care if you believe in magic underpants, or that you hear voices. I would defend your right to do so, but I am disgusted by those that can't live up to their own yapping ideals and expect others to or they're cancelled as "Americans". What's next then? Would they vote for agnostics (me) or atheists to not be able to marry? How about someone who had a sex change? Hermaphrodites? Who are they allowed to walk down the aisle with?

ALL IN! You can't pick and choose from your moral dictates, and not allow the same privilege to everyone. Not that I even half way like the "Founding Fathers" (I'm part indigenous - we weren't lost you dumb fucks), but they left England because they wanted to NOT have government dictate their religion (though it was perfectly fine for them to do so to the not-so-white inhabitants of the place they fled to - see what happens when you talk to strangers instead of scalping 'em?)

If we're going to change it so that our government is totally "under god", then maybe it's not "indivisible". Theocracy and democracy can't hold the same water. The former doesn't provide "liberty and justice for ALL" without conditions.

I call shotgun on the blue states for us shrimp-eating folks that stay out of other people's business (so long as they aren't breaking the law). Completely equal rights to everyone of legal and consenting age. The religious are also welcome, but your say is no more valued than anyone elses.

I don't think that all people who vote against gay rights are to be equated with skinheads or the folks donning 200 thread counts on their fucked up heads. I do, however, wonder if by saying gay is "wrong" in any capacity, gives fuel to their agendas. Saying it with government may possibly contribute to the death of someone that isn't hurting you. Not condoning or condemning it doesn't appear to kill anyone.

"What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Currently listening :
Narrow Stairs
By Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: 2008-05-13

Friday, November 14, 2008

Philosoph Eco

"Little boy you're going to hell
You said bad words
" Kenny Goes to Hell - Metallica

"Carlin's Going to Hell."

A few days ago, that's what protesters had on their signs outside of an awards ceremony honoring the late (and oh so fucking great) George Carlin. You have to wonder why one would feel the need to heckle a dead comedian (unless you have a life, in which case, you're probably not reading this), I mean, aren't there more productive places to be playing the "self righteous" game? Not to mention that if there is a "Hell", Carlin died months ago, wouldn't he have already gone? (As if proper grammar is a priority for these types.)

I can't imagine that Carlin believed there was an actual Hell. Nor do I (Hell, Michigan notwithstanding), but I do find the symbolism of these afterlife destinations intriguing (I wonder if there is an after-after-life? Sort of like the after-after-party?), especially in regards to the environment.

Heaven is above and Hell is below yeah? Interesting that raping the earth of coal and oil involves going waaaaaayyyyy down below and it's produced some scary shit. Strip Mining isn't nearly as sexy as it sounds (ask the Navajos about Uranium - not their idea of foreplay, I'm guessing), but we're told that it's a "necessary evil" at this point.

CLEAN ENERGY….ahhhhhhhhhh, deep yoga breath of …AIR? Solar and wind power come from where? Above; the "heavens". Sun grows our greens (legal or otherwise - it doesn't discriminate), and the rain and wind, well, you see what I'm saying here.

Isn't it fascinating that the political party screaming "Drill baby drill" hypocritically stands behind a book that starts off saying that the one they worship created "the heavens and the earth"? These two places were supposedly created before anything with genitals came to be, but the inhabitants conduct their business here like a bunch of meth addicts running a health food store. Some whilst yammering on about biblical symbolism, yet they can't see what I'm musing about here (walk that dogma much?).

I know there are many factions in "small town America" that feel the need to only read one book (look how many trees that saves!), or claim they read it, as most just sheep it "cuz readin's for them elitist types that cain't play football", but the closer you get to a city, the more libraries and book stores appear (they actually get used too).

Leash laws are enforced in these close quartered, reader populations because dogmas must be curbed and kept under control in order for the masses to get along.

They run free in "ril America" though; leaving nothing but shit filled lawns in their wake, and with that scent abound, those folks will probably be the first to purchase bottled air (eh em…water used to be free).

Maybe George left Hell? Wouldn't it be funny if Hell was believing that there is something else besides this?

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." George Carlin

Currently listening :
Heaven Up Here
By Echo & the Bunnymen

Monday, November 10, 2008

I’m Not Human, I’m Just Stuck in One, Pt. 3

"Turning into myself
I wanted to bite not destroy
" Banquet - Bloc Party

What are we really?

Incandescent surprises trapped behind fraudulent facades? Some of us.

Shell casings full of sideways, pilfering bullets? Some of us.

I spent hours staring and saw absolutely nothing. Nothing didn't stare back, but it did look right through me.

We are all "hot", but just too cool to know what to do with that.

Being bored with that concept was about four exits back for me.

Nobody listens anymore; we're only quiet when waiting for our turn to spew.

Just a bunch of dicks set on "output" only, every last one of us.

Dying to be heard and screaming to be seen, but earnestly trying to grow an extra set of hands to cover our ears and eyes in unison so nothing creeps in.

Fear of losing yourself into what you hear or see, becoming them. Or fear that you won't.

The separation, the disconnect - it all becomes suffocating. Everyone wants to be understood, but no one wants to understand.

We can't all point in one direction. Someone has to Yin and someone else has to Yang.

Receptive, receptors, receiving.

Currently listening :
Bloc Party
By Bloc Party

Monday, November 3, 2008

Correction Day

(Photo: me on my way to vote)

"I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
" - Won't Get Fooled Again - The Who

I voted early on Halloween, and you've probably heard me say by now that even though I'm right handed, I voted with my left hand - I'm just that liberal. I'm the only one in my immediate family, as I come from a long line of staunch, racist, Republicans (please note that not all Republicans are racist, but the ones that share my specific DNA definitely are).

This election has really divided people in a way that I've never seen. Creepy. The hate spewed around is unconscionable and just makes me wonder about certain humans in ways that I've never done. Both sides of the "aisle" have done some shitty things making me wish we could do away with the "aisle" altogether.

When Senator McCain was on "Saturday Night Live" and he was booed, I found that in poor taste. When someone hung an effigy of Governor Palin in California, that was just sick.

"Just wanna know what're you gonna do for me, I mean are you gonna liberate us girls from male white corporate oppression? Huh? Don't be shy. Fear of a female planet?" Kool Thing - Sonic Youth

I've seen some horribly sexist bulletins about the Governor as well (from BOTH sides) that I find beyond grievous. Frankly, I don't care to hear your dick's version of politics, is that ever going to be possible? Funny how your penis has no comments on the male candidates (your mouth seems to applaud some stances on issues then, but when a woman appears your oratory hole gets plugged by your own wank - why is that?).

When referring to the Governor of Alaska, I've only heard Republican males say they'd "fuck her", but they never once eek out any admiration on her views (just the view of her). Classy. Not to be outdone, some lefties totally pornify her, again ignoring the issues. (Insert deep sigh, rolling eyes, crooked lips, and a slight head shake here.)

The sexism has been a small beauty mark compared to the cystic acne of hate that I've seen unleashed in the direction of Senator Obama. In person hate, not from-the-tv-edited-out-of-content type of hate. Four different people have said to me that they hated him so much, that they wanted to "fucking KILL him." Wow. I dared not ask why (self preservation of sanity), but I have a hunch.

This type of talk immediately reminded me of Joseph Mazagwu a former Tampa, Florida police officer that was arrested and lost his job for saying to his dry cleaner that someone should kill G.W. Bush, and that he would do it if given the bullets. He wasn't serious, but his dry cleaner turned him in for "treason". If Senator Obama becomes president, will the left become that petty and over the top about Section 18, United States Code, 871 (you have Google - get to clickin')? I've got a feeling we could pay for health care with the fines from that alone!

It's one thing to joke, but the animosity I heard in those tenors was more than disturbing. I don't want to hear that shit about anyone, unless they caused you or your lovies bodily harm, or extreme mental discourse PERSONALLY. If nothing else, I wish there was respect for the office they hold. (Maybe if we respect it, it will become respectable again?)

I know it's difficult to do that when people in office do despicable things, like the mayor of Fort Mill, South Carolina, Danny Funderburk. This guy forwarded a chain letter email claiming that Senator Obama is the Anti-Christ (he's not, I checked If there is an Anti-Christ (which Jesus NEVER mentioned one), according to what I've read, they HAVE to come into power to have the rapture, end of days, etc. It would seem anti-Christian to vote for anyone but Senator Obama if he is the AC, I mean, that's totally running interference. I voted for him just out of pure love for my Christian peoples (can I have the gas out of your car when you ascend to heaven, seriously?). Plus the added bonus of all us Godless Indians getting our land back once these sweet folks fly away with the Messiah did factor in (we're definitely closing the borders after that shit).

Oh that's another one; people are flipping out pissily saying the Senator from Illinois is being looked to as a "Messiah". I guess you just can't get too popular without haters (ask John Lennon, oops ya can't). I wonder if he was white, and named Bruce Stealyourshitler, would this be a problem?

"I've been wonderin' why people livin' in fear off my shade
(Or my hi top fade)
I'm not the one that's runnin' but they got me one the run
Treat me like I have a gun, all I got is genes and chromosomes
Consider me Black to the bone
All I want is peace and love on this planet
(Ain't that how God planned it?)"
Fear of a Black Planet - Public Enemy.

Lots of whitey fear getting very ugly. Senator Obama is running for President of everyone, not "Black President" (uh he's half white), he's not going to steal white money and give it to what the prejudicial assfaces refer to as "lazy people that didn't earn it" (that's putting it far kinder than I've heard). The people most afraid of cheaters ARE cheaters, just because YOU would act like trash if you got into office, doesn't mean someone else will. Some people use their power for good, as hard as that is to conceptualize.

Bigots are just afraid of themselves showing up in others.

Probably the worst thing I've heard out of this entire election season was Governor Palin's remarks implying two Americas: "Ril America" and I guess the fake one that was attacked on a Tuesday morning in 2001.

The first thing I thought of was something my bestie Bonnie, who worked as a graphic artist for Blue Cross/Blue Shield in the World Trade Center, told me. I nearly fainted when she answered her phone at 9am on September 11th, after I saw 2 planes crash into her place of work. She called in sick, but not everyone in her company was that fortunate. Ed Beyea, her wheelchair bound co-worker, was stuck on the 27th floor waiting to be carried to safety. Not wanting to leave his friend behind, another co-worker named Abe Zelmanowitz, stayed with Ed to make sure the Fire and Rescue knew to help when they arrived. They were of the many that perished that day.

My mind was on those two guys when the Alaskan Governor decided to piss on the memory of those we lost in "fake" America. She apparently seems to think "Washington outsiders" are better than those that lost their lives at the Pentagon as well. (Both NYC and DC were home to me at some point, if you don't like them, don't fucking go there).

It's deplorable to use 9/11 as your agenda for fear one minute (or AT ALL), and then insult the people who died that day by claiming they weren't "rilly" Americans.

No matter which way the election goes, I'll be celebrating tomorrow night. I'm proud that our country has come far enough to bring a female and a racial minority to the fore of leadership (maybe next time an Apache Hermaphrodite for Prez ay?). I know some people like the original constitution with the slavery and not letting the chicks vote (the people that changed all that were considered "terrorists" by the way), but I think life is about progression and growth, and sometimes that means CHANGE. Hate prevents mental growth (and hair growth, ask the skinheads); without mental growth, I fail to see why we exist.

Regardless of who wins, the current occupant of the oval office will be out soon. Conspiracy or not, I'll drink to that!

"I'm tired of the old shit, let the new shit begin" Old Shit/New Shit - The Eels

Currently listening :
By David Bowie