Thursday, December 11, 2008

Illin’ Noid

"Someone else is gonna come and clean it up
Born and raised for the job
Someone always does
I wish you'd get up get over
get up, get over and turn your tape off
" A Wolf At The Door - Radiohead

The state of Illinois called me today. Seems they heard my birthday was on the horizon and they were feeling really givvy give and want to bestow upon me the title of "Governor" as a gifty if I'm up for it.

As you have probably seen in recent days, the seated Governor (who resembles a 1970's version of Roman Polanski meets a used car salesman) was on the take, and he and his creepy, half-feathered hair have been more than tardly flamboyant about it.

It seems that since my last name is just as fucked up as his for the public to pronounce, it put me up for consideration to replace him. I have no criminal record, and when they tapped my phones all they heard was the national anthem done in pig Latin accompanied by bongos, so they figure I'm their best bet to lead the hub of the Midwest for the next few years (or at least till I'm caught with the lead singer of The Academy Is behind a McDonalds with my left hand violating the open container law and my right hand redecorating the inside of his low riders - power does strange things to me).

I was one breath away from flabbergasted as I've never even lived in Illinois. One school trip and a layover at O'Hare airport is really all the time I've put in there. I also can't fathom that they'd appoint someone who isn't a Christian, but hey, if Oprah will have me, I'm there.

I don't even know much about the state of Illinois. I know John Cusack lives there, so maybe I can force him to accompany me to my inauguration. Wilco, The Smashing Pumpkins, Fall Out Boy, and Plain White T's hail from there so it's not desolate as far as music goes. I guess I could make it my domain.

I've never fancied myself a public official and really don't think I'll get much done, but I suppose standing still is better than moving backwards these days.

I wonder if I'll get to pardon people. I would abuse that a little with prank calls to executions. They'll be strapped in, sweaty eyeballs on the NEEDLE, and everything will come to a halt when they see the phone light up. Could it be? The governor is really stepping in to pardon this guy for killing six women just because they wore red?

Nope. She just called to say "Psyche!"

Currently listening :
Hail to the Thief
By Radiohead
Release date: 2003-06-10