Monday, February 16, 2009


Under my shirt, have to amass
Sling the tainted words
Wolf in the Breast - The Cocteau Twins


That word is such a creepy turn off to someone like me. Me, the female that has no intention of reproducing (at least not until my Master Satan returns from the underworld with his holy plan - oh wait, I am Satan*).

I realize that long ago when anatomical monikers were being decided upon, women were mostly relegated to “baby factory” status only, but in times where women are not just vessels for screaming, bald brats, it would seem appropriate to “she” define some things.

I’d like to start with “nipples”. Men have them too, but they’re apparently for decoration only (Linen’s and Things doesn’t carry much of a selection) or for shaving off when LSD points you in the wrong direction. At my request, my mom felt up her male Chihuahua “T.T.” in search of nipples, but alas he is without. Go figure. My cat Scoob dentally objected to my groping him, but according to a few web sites, all cats have nipples regardless of machismo.

For the females that choose not to or can’t have children, nipples are still functional, though only in the sexual sense. I don’t know if men are aware of this, but sometimes stimulating this area alone can bring your girlness to orgasm. So even if you’re not a “breast man”, one should still delicately massage the berries if one is at all considerate (trust me, some aren’t).

I’m not really into the cutesy names for body parts; “nips”, “ninnies”, “nippers”, “headlights”, and such aren’t always fitting or suitable for some personality types. I know there are a bazillion slang words to describe breasts and their elements, but none really appeal to me, especially when engaging in the act of sexual expression. I totally can’t get it up if thinking about babies, and hearing my peaks called a food source can completely dry a She up. Barring cannibal attacks, I’ve never envisioned mine ending up on anyone’s menu, so a name unassociated with infantile cuisine would be preferable.

“Areola” is no better than “Nipple” either, as it sounds too close to “Aioli” (again food) or the font "Arial", which I always use in this blog.

I think in sexual situations, this area should now be called a “Vey” (rhymes with “lay”) or “Veys”. It’s short, to the point (heh), and when you need to direct someone’s attention there, you can just say “Oy Vey”.

*I have references.

Currently listening:
Twin Peaks (Season One TV Soundtrack)
Release date: 1990-08-31