Saturday, May 9, 2009

Never Mind the Bollocks

But it's alright, it's alright, it's alright, it's alright
I got my nuts from a hippy in a camper van on Saturday night

Got Ma Nuts from a Hippie - The Fratellis

About a year ago was the first time I encountered the infamous “Truck Nutz” (if you‘re lucky enough to NOT know what these are will photo you up to speed), but ironically, they were on a car. One of those jacked up, spinny rimmed, wigger-mobiles. I was behind it on one of those circular off ramps and I couldn’t help but notice the bronze sacs that gravity was coaxing to one side as the car hugged around the curve.

Being in Florida, I was surprised at such a sight because you can’t spit without hitting a church here, and they don’t usually go for the public display of genitalia. At the same time, I wasn’t shocked at all - it was just the next step in men’s obsession with their balls.

Whether it’s ICP or AC/DC (statistics show that initial bands dig their balls more than one word titled bands), balls are ever present in lyrics when a dude is on the mic. You’d be hard pressed to find a female songwriter or otherwise, as excited about the scrotes as their possessors. We just aren’t as enamored of them as the men folk are. I’ve asked my non-nutted friends about their views on the danglies and most of them find them gross (especially if the owners aren‘t familiar with the concept of MANSCAPING), or tolerable at best.

Personally, I’m a practical female. What I refer to as the “Sperm Purses” don’t really do anything for me and that seems to be the consensus amongst my girly social circle. Not one of us in our friskiest of states was ever thinking “Hmmm yeah, I gots to gets me some of them balls.” The only time we value the balls are when we want to procreate or severely put a hurt on an offending or attacking male (either situation usually brings a man to his knees, heh).

When we size a man up, we do think about certain physical attributes and you’ll hear us go on about a guy’s ass, chest, neck, hair, or “front porch”, but you will never hear “His balls are to die for” make way through any female’s vocabulary that I run with.

It’s ironic that when we can’t stand someone, they are often referred to as a “dick” but if they have done something brave or outstanding, we credit the size of their balls. In the female world, we only have equally demeaning terms, but nothing that is parallel with “having a giant pair”, not even with breasts. If a girl took out a terrorist on the subway, no one would go “Dude, that took a huge rack on her part.”

Our relationship with our chesticles is far different than men with their jigglies. I mean, really, can you imagine a guy trying on clothes and thinking “Do my balls look big/small enough in these?” Me either (Miami queens being the only exception).

Since my sighting a year ago, Florida law now prohibits the display of “Truck Nutz” with fines of $60.00 per offense. Our state Senator Jim King (Republican-Jacksonville) admitted to having a pair on his truck, but in compliance with his wife’s dim view of the truckly accessory, King has caved and removed them, thus revoking his “pimp” status (“pimps” are Republicans?).

If they hadn’t been banned, I was half tempted to make a pair with one of them having torn up flesh and spikes in it, dripping blood droplets forever in my trunks shadow. The other one I would have painted an acid yellow smiley face on. =)