"It won't take you long to learn the new smile.
You'll have to adapt or you'll be out of style.
It's always the same. You're jumping someone else's train."
Jumping Someone Else's Train - The Cure
I was perusing the "interweb", as I do, and ran across someone saying something to the effect of "I try to be more than a collage of the people around me". This really tugged at my peepers as the last few weeks I've been contemplating writing a piece about overly absorbent people. The type of folks (yeah I said "folks"; I'm originally from Michigan so kindly fuck off) that just are an amalgam of all that they inhale from other people's personalities. We used to call them "posers" when I was coming up, but I've no clue what label these self deluded frauds unknowingly cower under now.
These human barnacles are now more evident than ever with the advent of Youtube, Myspace, etc. Youtube in particular, where you'll see 6,000 different versions (or more) of people filming their friends watching "Two Girls One Cup" (which is a COPY of the movie trailer for "Hungry Bitches" - ah porn accuracy brought to you by Wikipedia), as if the first couple hundred weren't unique enough.
I've seen my own words (I don't OWN the words, but I put in an application for joint custody last week) from my blogging efforts painted elsewhere, assigning credit to authors who really only deserve to be violently stabbed in the balls. Too gender specific? The pilfering fuckwads do claim "MALE" status. Were they females, I'd build them two sacks myself, and then brandish something sharp (but lightweight like an industrial sewing needle) for unleashing some serious psycho voodoo pinning.
There are such a wide variety of these coat-tail dwellers that I think a series of blogs is how I will tackle the subject, ridiculous as it may be. Fuck it. I'm just killing time till time kills me, right?
At this point, I'd like to have a go at those who acquire faux English accents. If you're an American and have only been dating a teabag a week, and start throwing around "trainers" instead of "sneakers", um…you suck ass. Yeah, I've witnessed such a thing. This person lived in the south, but never said "Y'all". They called NYC home for a few years, but Brooklyn did not seize their tongue. Give them one week with a Londoner, and they slip in "trainers" like they've been saying it that way for years. They even seem shocked that you don't know what they're talking about. Thinking back on this, I'm just flabbergasted that I've never done time in prison for assault. Really.
You notice it's the English accent that these flimsy Americans (do Canadians do it too?) are always copping? I've known plenty of people that spent years in Scotland, Ireland, and Australia, and they've never affected those accents. Though, I'm certain that if Madonna had married Billy Connolly, she would've given it the old college try. I grew up in the same area (different ERA - I'm younger) that Madonna did, and homegirl couldn't scare up a proper New York accent for a film role in the '80's, so I can't imagine why she's trying to pirate one from the UK now. She's fuckin' Madonna, how is that not good enough for her? Why does she have to be English now? Does it magically transform you into some pure, clean, intelligencia that didn't shag (oh now I'm doing it) their way to the top?
Do these people know they're doing it? Do the English cringe as much as we do when they hear it?
I don't mind my accent; in fact, I actually enjoy the fact that it annoys people sometimes. It's not as thick as most mid-westerners, but it's quite evident that I hail from a place that heavily consumes various meat products (though I'm phasing them out, regretfully). My accent is the one used by newscasters, as it apparently is the most coherent voice the U.S. can choke out. Although, with my penchant for cursing, one would never connect my dialect with anything professional that wasn't accompanied with a parental advisory of some sort.
I always tend to be the "peer" character in the phrase "peer pressure", so it's difficult for me to cut these osmotic kleptos some slack. I'm just not a follower.
Unless, of course, you tell me to photograph myself bathing in milk, then its lemming time fo sho.
Currently listening :
Goo
By Sonic Youth
Release date: 1990-06-15
Sean Kilpatrick
4 years ago
12 comments:
osmotic kleptos
if ever there was a phrase i wanted to steal...
This is a great post, I'm enjoying your rage.
Madonna deserves to be disembowelled for a great many reasons, the stupid accent is only one of them.
you know, i was a class clown my entire life and did some stand up comedy and not many people make me laugh, but you are absolutely cracking me up. glad i found your blog.
i also love the dickwads that throw in an accent on one word in an english sentence like "ricotta" with an italian accent. they'll also use a spanish accent for a spanish word. why do they get the accent? we never say bratwurst like a german nazi general when speaking english. we don't say guinness with a irish brogue. so fucking nutty!
People acquire accents at incredibly different rates...but only spending a couple weeks in London, for example, would not make an American have an accent.
I've read that people who are strong in languages pick up accents much faster...but that still doesn't account for all the players!
I have known two people who have put on fake British accents. It was silly, and everyone saw through them. One spent a couple weeks in London and came back with a thick accent! And another person came up with an accent in first year university. His parents were British, but he was born in Canada. He'd never had an accent until first year university. It was annoying as all hell.
I'm from Brooklyn and I used to have a bit of an accent. I moved down here in '05 and lost it after a month. I guess I sound kind of normal.
Oddly enough, though, it's the "in" thing to do, these days: picking up accents that you can't explain their origin from. High school kids down here try to talk with a Cockney accent, which is hilarious.
R - Irony will get you everywhere! You're perfect - I'm building a shrine right now.
A - You can do the honors. Do you have a background in disembowelment?
M - You might dig this then : http://shelikesitlouder.blogspot.com/2008/08/bone-sex-noise-july-7-2008.html (Sorry I don't know how to do the small clean links yet.)
S - When you're away at college, it's no crime to fade a Brooklyn accent. When your 28 and live in Brooklyn trying to snag an English one, you're a tard.
Yes, I makes the rules! And I do it with a Yosemite Sam accent - I'm such a poser.
Something is wrong with my account here...grrrr.....
Anyways, Vesper in your line of work, you probably witness more crazy than anybody. I notice in interviews with some actors that have just done a stint in London, they come back here and interject the word "actually" into every single sentence. WTF?
not sure why you gave me that link other than to illustrate that you are really funny and wayyyyyyyyyyyyy fucking shallow too, lol, but i did see some very impressive references in some other posts like a "missing persons" lyric from the song "words", chris makepiece from my bodyguard, and some bowie. good stuff.
M- I was way hungover when I posted comments, sorry. No one has ever seen the humor in these rants except for that one, so that coupled with the 80's movie references...yeah. I only hang in shallow on Thursdays and Saturdays. The rest of the time I'm in the deep end screaming for help.
are you serious?! i have to say you have the funniest blog i have read ever. no bullshit. and i am overly critical too, lol. pure genius. so...who cares if you are shallow on thursdays and saturdays. i was just busting your balls anyway about the lowhip jeans on guys and the hair like the guy from ok go. i am bitter because i have a shaved head. ;) you rock.
stay gold ponyboy.
Do I have a background in disembowelment? Kind of.
See the end of this post for details: http://chancingmyarm.blogspot.com/2008/07/random-access-memery.html
(i don't know how to do the small, clean links thing either, not in comments anyway. It's very easy when you're writing posts.)
Andrew, your disembowelling credentials are impressive! To take on such a feat at that young age over an exclamation mark makes me think we may have been separated at birth. Great post. I really need to find more time to go digging through your stuff.
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