My Middle Beast Solution

(Please note the following is sarcastic. The author does not support occupations or invasions of any kind.)

“Bomb, bomb, bomb us back together
A new way into a lost answer” The Answer - Bloc Party

I say we solve this Middle East conflict in true American form.

Let’s pull an “Iraq” on Cuba and make it the new Israel! (Jew-ba?)



Why the fuck not? It makes perfect sense to me. It would be easy to do now that Castro is becoming all but obsolete, and I think we may actually get greeted with flowers this time (or at least a good sandwich). What’s another bearded led regime to us ay? It’s a perfect solution.

All Cubans will be absorbed into the U.S. boosting baseball to another level, and cutting down on raft deaths. They can just do a massive house swap with all the Jews in South Florida, who can then set things up for the Israelis to arrive.

I know there are religious based land issues, but if a mountain can be brought to Mohammed, then surely we can uproot a few sacred sites and transplant them “double wide” style for a couple of Seths and Rachels, no?

Now I know the weather would take some adjusting to, but hey, hurricane season is far more survivable than suicide bomber season. One other perk too, is if anyone starts feeling nostalgic about the old Israel, they can go picnic down in Guantanamo Bay and get screamed at by the Arabs imprisoned by the U.S. One afternoon full of “Death to Israel”s and that homesickness will float seamlessly away. Aaaaaahhhhhh.

There’s already a built-in cigar industry waiting for them, not to mention a tourist bonanza just waiting to happen (Disney on the Mount? Oy-Cot Center?).

I realize there are downsides. Making cigars legal will rapidly stink up the U.S., and when the Cubans find out they don’t have free health care here, they might get a bit pissy, but we need to focus on the positive. Particularly the saving of the billions of dollars that we send to both sides of this insanity every year. Maybe WE could have healthcare with that? Or you know, maybe some folks at the Pine Ridge Reservation could get some running water with that money - I’m just sayin’.

If we don’t do something soon, they may blow us all to Antarctica. I’m subject to chapped lips as it is and if I’m blown to bits, it’s much harder to apply the Burt’s Bees, ya dig?



Currently listening:
Tinderbox
By Siouxsie and the Banshees
Release date: 1990-10-25