Sk8 Her

“If you skate, you would be great
If you could make a figure eight.
That's a circle that turns 'round upon itself.” Figure Eight - Schoolhouse Rock

My bestie and I went roller skating yesterday.

The last time I saw the inside of a roller rink, my shoe and bra size were a LOT smaller, I think I was 12. Even then, at 12 I didn’t actually go into the rink. I’d have my parents drop off my friends and I, go behind the rink to put my skates safely up in a tree, and then meet up with BOYS from other schools that got their hands on a car or alcohol. We usually went to a “forbidden by the parents” teen dance club, or to some place called “The Pit” in the woods where kids basically went to drink, get high, and/or make out. (Remember those days when guys actually tried to go to second base and you didn’t even have a target for them to land on? Now I have excess and they completely skip over my “lady lumps” [thank you Black Eyed Peas] as if they weren’t even there. Here I went to all that trouble to grow them and they get less action now than when it was illegal to think about them - unless you count chicks, they grope me all the time. Life is a humorous bitch isn‘t it?)

The rink seemed huge back then, but now my eyes and their encasement have a completely different perspective. It’s still the same in regards to skating in a circle for ages to the latest dance tunes (yep same as the dance club), but with the added bonus of screaming children going in the wrong direction and body slamming into anyone in their wake.

I felt like I had entered a video game with Wal-Mart-esque lighting (not at all flattering for any look), and before I suited up, the dude at the desk made me sign a waver in case of injury. There is also a huge sign highly recommending you don’t skate unless you have health insurance. Shit has REALLY changed.

I had not previously been in a rink in Florida, but it’s only been a year and a half since I had wheels under my toes. I used to rollerblade around my “hood” all the time but the heat, snakes, bad drivers, and endless supply of bugs that decide to off themselves in my left eye have dissuaded me from such escapades as of late. When I did go, it was only for like 20 minutes, but yesterday was a full 2 hours of Roller Boogie meets the modern version of the game “Frogger”.

The a/c and no rocks getting caught in your wheels are awesome, but the brats would prove to be another story. I nearly picked the one up by his fauxhawk to turn his ass around but he slammed into a wall instead, so I was good with that sort of instant karma. It’s not even so much the little ones falling in front of you as it is the freaked out people trying NOT to run them over and THEY don’t look where they’re going, nearly taking you down.

It was fun. I like to dance/skate, and we had a good laugh, but I think I’ll hold out for Adult night next time as I’ve heard that’s something to witness; like Soul Train on wheels with a touch of Kanye and sans the midgets.

Can’t wait.