True Story: Most Dudes I Encounter Are Dbags

"I'll just nod, I've never been so good at shaking hands
I live on the frozen surface of a fireball" 11th Dimension - Julian Casablancas

Monday, April 19, 2010 at 1:52am

I have no idea why I gave this guy my number a while back, I was bored, drunk, who the fuck knows?

He called this evening and after a quick reminder of who he was, hijacked my ear for seven straight minutes. I zoned out after about two, but then a text came in snapping me to consciousness so I severed into the one sided conversation with an excuse about having to meet a friend in ten minutes. It wasn't a lie, my cat was in the next room mixing martinis. He's one of my dearest friends with a penchant for punctuality that can't be ignored, and a genius when it comes to the libations.

I guess my participation wasn't expected in this phone conversation because he seemed quite taken aback as he asked me to repeat what I had just interjected. I did as he requested with a bit more pinch in my tone, but it went unnoticed as he preceded in asking me if I wanted to get dinner sometime.

I said "Thanks, but no."

He then asked me why I even gave him my number. I said I couldn't recall but that after hearing him on the phone, I had reconsidered.

"After HEARING ME? Wtf does that mean?" he asked.

"Well, from the second you rang, you've been the only one talking and haven't asked a single, fucking thing about me, not even 'How are you?' That shows me you aren't interested in my well being, or anything I have to say. There were no compliments sincere or otherwise in your rhetoric and that's a prerequisite to getting face time with me. If people don't say nice things to me or give a shit about anything I think, my ego can't get mentally or physically hard. If I'm not getting hard, then neither are you. These are the rules I now live by. I'm sorry but you come across as a narcissistic blowhard and I don't want to waste either of our precious minutes do you?"

The exquisite "click" sound of him terminating the call gave me more mental wood than I imagine he ever could.

Guess Who Digs Me? June 23, 2008

According to Myspace, Jesus Christ has a crush on me. Would someone please tell him I'm not into guys with beards? (Unless they're named Brian Thomas and went to NYU film school. The one that got away - he made me laugh. A lot.) And that shroud thingy; a little high waisted don't you think? They do make low rise shrouds these days, geeeeeeze Jesus, get with it!

Can you imagine dating Jesus Christ? Holy shit (literally), you'd never win a fight cuz he'd be all martyring and victimy, and he'd get blood on everything with those stigmatas. Who's gonna clean that shit up? Pas Moi! I can tell you right now that I would be talking through clenched teeth all the time about the differences in musical taste. I hates Christian rock (yes "hates", as in Yosemite Sam types of hatin'), and just the very thought of it makes me do the backwards hiss thing one does when one witnesses an epic fingernail break (the kind that involves the bending back first, then the rip to the nail bed, blood, and an endless run of expletives).

You notice that most Christian rock is Metal? I wonder if that's why beards and long hair are so prevalent in that world. I also wonder if Jesus' stig's count as the first body piercing, and is that what awaits us in the near fashionable future? Stig piercing?

Regardless, I think it's tacky of Jesus to be taking out ads on Myspace, claiming his love for me, when we haven't even kissed. Too smothering for my taste.

Myspace is insane. They try to customize the ads from your profile info, as you can see in the "sponsored links" below your inbox message area. Apparently, being single and agnostic has generated the computer to digitally insult my intelligence. I don't need any suggestions when it comes to shopping for beliefs, thanks so much, I can pick em out all by my lonesome.

In my "Who You'd Like to Meet" section, I put a "Giant Panda", so I get bombarded with ads for Panda singles chat groups, Panda anti-virus programs, and "Panda Ringtones". I haven't a clue what a Panda sounds like, but I'm reasonably sure it wouldn't suit my cellular needs.

Were I to have a proclivity for "Barely Legal Rocker Boys" and put that instead of "Panda", I wonder what the computer would surmise of that? Would I be showered with invitations to join NAMBLA? (Or NAWBLA since I'm a chick…is there? Oh wait no I think that's some sort of Teacher's association.)

I've seen worse on other sites, particularly one where I googled advice on my slightly underweight cat. I was deeply concerned for my furry snookiecookie-puss and the site popped up "dying cat ringtones". WTF? Is there a market for such a thing? I don't even want to participate in gaining the insight on that one. Right below it was some sort of feedback you could fill in for the "ad", if you can call it that. Oh yeah, I filled it out. My cat told me what to put, and it's much too controversial to repeat here. Suffice it to say, we got our point across.

I'd be curious to know if the people that are marked as "in a relationship" or "married" get a different barrage of ads. Well, maybe I wouldn't. =)

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Some of you may think that this post ensures my ticket to Hell.

What makes you think we aren't already there?


Currently listening :
Nine in the Afternoon
Release date: 2008-06-17

Let U Entertain Me June 22, 2008

"I wanna be adored." I Wanna Be Adored - The Stone Roses

I was thinking of this song a few days ago, particularly the lyrics (there are very few in it) as like everyone else with a pulse, I want to be adored. Unfortunately, it's conditional. I would like to adore the person that adores me too (don't ya hate the fine print?).

Yesterday my friend called, and he brought up the same song explaining his current relationship. He's getting adored but it's not 100% mutual, and he couldn't figure out why, but I could.

People get together for a thousand different reasons (alcohol being the main one), but they stay together if they find each other amusing or entertaining. When that stops, you're done. Sometimes it never starts because you only got together out of physical admiration of each other, and then there are some that do amuse each other, but have no physical chemistry.

When you are an entertaining type of person, whether it be a musician, comedian, writer, or just plain fun to be around, you can get lost in the adoration from someone and not realize that that is all you are getting from them - they adore you, but that isn't the same as entertaining you. My friend is a musician, and he totally got what I was saying. He makes her laugh, but it's a one way street.

I practically constructed that street, as I've met so many wonderful and nice guys, but…yeah, no laughs (like this blog). I don't expect Bill Hicks (can't he's dead) or Dave Chappelle, but I do expect some degree of charm and humor. I gave up on it for a long time, but it is out there, I've seen it. I've met it; hell I've dated it. Sadly, the ones I find amusing either don't see me in the same light or else they know they're awesome and feel that many could benefit from their exposure. I date one at a time and I prefer that "one" to adhere to the same type of philosophy.

I've always been the entertainment in my relationships, making the decisions, coming up with things to do, and then I got sick of it. Last year I made a conscious effort to back off. Instead of absorbing people into my "thing", I wanted to see what they would come up with. I wanted things to be different, since what I was doing obviously wasn't working, but this didn't either and by January of this year, I was back to square one.

Drinking can give the false illusion that others are more amusing than is true, so I didn't drink for a very long time. I still don't much, but will be doing so on Thursday (dancey dance).

If nothing else, I'll make myself laugh.


Currently listening :
The Stone Roses
By The Stone Roses
Release date: 1990-10-25

Vicious Traditions June 12, 2008

"I'm honest about my lying." Me (in an email I wrote the other day)

Everybody lies, and you'd be lying to yourself if you're thinking that you don't. EVERYBODY LIES!

We all have lied when asked "How ya doin?" We aren't ALWAYS fine, but we know that not everyone needs to hear about our she cramps or jock itch (if you've ever had both of these simultaneously, I so want to hear that story). Harmless lies, but lies nonetheless.

People have always lied to protect others, but usually themselves. Most lies are told for personal gain, and some assholes just lie for no apparent reason. These idiots keep lying even when they're caught, and no they aren't minors, just stunted and damaged grown people. "Adult" physically, but mentally the jury is still out.

I really struggled with this last year when I was unabashedly lied to for reasons unbeknownst to me and really I just couldn't get my brain around it. I've never seen lying as rampant as I do here in Florida, maybe it's the humidity, but my guess is that lying is their favorite past time here. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they had a museum devoted to it someday. They could have an exhibit showing the evolution of lying and how the advent of certain jobs and means of communication have affected how one lies in today's society.

There could be men's, women's, and unisex parts of the exhibit as certain types of lies from jealous bitches differ than the lies put forth to get them into bed and then out the door ASAP.

I know both sexes lie equally, but as a child, I always found men with facial hair dishonest and creepy, like the hair was hiding something. All the serial killers except Bundy had it. Now I think its guys that wear hats all the time that are the ones to watch. Especially in 90 degree weather at night. I met two mean liars in a row with this particular habit. The second one almost lied his way back into my life a few months back (my hopes are that one day his hat swallows his head and then engulfs the rest of his lying ass), but Scorpios always have a way of getting past my radar (note to self: find out how to recalibrate radar).

Overly friendly super, super, nice women - all huge liars. They lie because they are trying to please everyone and that's impossible. Pissy people like me will shoot straight from the hip most of the time, but once I'm lied to, I give back ten fold. I hate lying but feel it's my karmic duty to give as good as I get, especially when I didn't do anything to deserve such treatment.

I didn't have trouble getting over the people that lied, I had trouble with the fact that it made me teeter on the edge of losing my faith in humanity altogether. When you're lied to, the underlying message is that you don't deserve any respect and it's assumed that you're stupid. Not fun - humiliating, actually, but the liars don't apologize, they don't care - till it happens to them, then the fucking world stops.

One day the big, mean, liars will lie to the person who is one pill away from a loaded weapon - you never know if you're the LAST STRAW for someone do ya? What may seem like a small little lie that gets you out of an uncomfy situation may be the last jerk needed to pull the pin on the right/wrong grenade.

I've met (but am not friends with) some seriously dangerous liars with harmful STD's, that do not clue in the people they get "friendly" with. I've also been acquainted with people that died from AIDS they got from the cheating spouses who outlived them. Everybody lies, but they do have a choice not to.

After a string of blatant liars I met some awesome people that brought me back from the edge. Scott from Ireland was one of my favorites. Held my hand everywhere we went for the short time he was visiting. Even if he lived here (or me there) though, it couldn't work. He was straight up about wanting a minimum of FIVE kids and he was totally into the Catholic thing. I'm so not. It's easy to be honest when you are just visiting, nothing to lose maybe?

I met one guy (also not from FL) who was very up front with me about how he wants and likes to be a total manwhore and is not into the boyfriend thing at all. This guy does not lie about anything (some think he should, but not me) and I respect the hell out of him. Some people aren't that self aware but that poses the question, why will they bother getting to know you if they don't even know themselves?

I want someone to play Scrabble with, to dance with me, to listen to music with, hit a few concerts maybe, someone to discuss with me whether the color orange or the fruit called "orange" came first.

Simple things really, but why does it seem like you have to swim through saturations of complexities to get to them?

Because… (say it with me now) everybody lies.

(Can I get an A-MEN up in here? No? A B-MEN? No, there's already enough C-MEN! oh no I di n't!)

ps. I hope not everyone from FL is a fuckhead, by all means, prove me wrong =]


Currently listening :
The Runaway Found
By The Veils
Release date: 2005-01-25

No One I Think is in My Tree 4.19/08

Last weekend I was catching up with someone I hadn't seen in years, and he asked me if there was any band/singer that I was into but found too embarrassing to admit. A guilty pleasure, if you will.

I triumphantly replied that there is no such thing for me, musically, anyways. For all my faults (and there are many) and insecurities, if there is one thing I have complete, unblemished, confidence in, it is my taste in music. This area is where no doubts whatsoever reside (they prefer to hang out in the area that relates to other humans, I'm guessing).

With music, I live a philosophy that borrows from Damone's Five Point Plan in the film "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJnIWLTneKY), where he says "Wherever ya are, THAT'S the place to be." Point 3, I believe it was (the rest of his plan is fantastically retarded and obviously dated, minus the Zepplin stuff heheheh).

In my case, it's WHATEVER I LISTEN TO, THAT IS THE BEST SHIT THERE IS (without exception)! Whether it be The Carpenters, The Raconteurs, or Snoop Dogg, I fervently believe that if I'm digging it, there is nothing groovier. When it comes to the tunes, I love HARD and without restraint.

There are past male companions and some people I share DNA with that I would be red-faced upon revealing our association, but I'll proudly show the contents of my IPOD to anyone. Guilt and embarrassment may piss on other avenues of my existence, but they get no face time when it comes to my ear candy.

I'll never regret my musical choices, but I do, however, regret some things I've done because of music.

One such event involved me cranking the volume in my car and my passenger making the unpardonable mistake of assuming that what he had to say was of equal importance to what I had just boosted. Thus causing him to unthinkingly touch the controls of what was pleasuring my ears, diminishing the decibels in a bold, but very stupid, act of "shushing".

All of time as we know it came to a face slapping halt, and I suddenly lost the capacity to blink. I was shocked and overtaken with the stones this one thought he had. He was, of course, viciously banished once I regained my composure. After all, it was my car and as far as I was concerned, only threats to my health or others' in my immediate surroundings warrant the snippy shutdown of Bowie. Especially the pill-popping Bowie that handed us "Moonage Daydream", the nerve!

Ok, that was some years ago. I've mellowed a tad and would never dump someone over something so trivial these days. Besides, I keep my IPOD in a steel bear trap on my lap when I drive now - good luck trying to grab that!
In regards to the holiness we call "music", I am thoroughly unapologetic and always will be. That IS who I am, though I can't help thinking that maybe I need to spread that feeling out a little more evenly. Like to things that breathe and aren't covered in fur (the two leggeds).

In the end, they do play songs at memorial services, but what if there is no one there to hear them?

Hey Bay B 4/1/08

"Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby? You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby. Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby, I love you. I really do." Superstar - The Carpenters

"Babe, it's time we give something new a try. Oh, alone we may fight so just let us be free, tonight. Through the storms and the light baby you stood by my side and life is wine." No I in Threesome - Interpol

I have never in my life called another human "baby" with a straight face.

If someone seriously referred to me as such, an ambulance would have to be summoned as I would probably be locked into fetal position and stuck in a permanent fit of laughter to the brink of dehydration.

I've been called several versions of "babe" and that doesn't faze me at all, but "baby", I don't know, it feels about as natural as having gargoyle feet might be (imagine the socks for such a thing and sandals would be OVER).

It's not so much that it smacks of pedophilia as it just sounds all gold jewelry and moustaches to me. The whiter you are, the worse it is. I think if you're Goth and say it, you get ex-communicated or something, I've heard.

In the context of song, it totally works, but it's never been a tool that I've opted to use. Some obviously pull it off better than others as it's textbook in most soul type of songs, but a rarity in "Modern Rock". At least by my count.

Despite it's use of "baby", I LOVE "No I in Threesome" by Interpol. It's been in heavy rotation on my IPOD for over 6 months and I never tire of it, EVER! I could give a shit about the lyrics on this one (I'm not a threesome kind of girl and don't aspire to be), but the melody, the music, the arrangement - all FLAWLESS right down to the rasp in his voice that you know is revealing the 57th punch in of the day. He could say "baby" throughout the entire song and I would still be floored by it.

Obviously, it's not always about the words, it can't be. The Brandenburg Concertos would never stand for it and neither would I.

"My first name ain't baby, it's Janet. Miss Jackson if you're nasty." Nasty - Janet Jackson