Denis with One "N" June 10, 2008

I taught myself how to read when I was three years old. By four I could read and write at a second grade level but no public school would take me. A brand new Baptist Christian Academy would, and did. They accepted grades K-12 with many seats to fill and promised my mom they would let me excel at my own pace. (They failed to mention that I would be excelling whilst alone locked in a dark kitchen, but that's a story for my future shrink.)

The school had an interesting reward system that suited me perfectly. Each Friday, if your grades were at a certain level, you got to leave school before lunch for a pre-arranged activity. The activity depended on how many kids had the right grades. A lot of kids meant roller or ice skating, season permitting, but once or twice I was the only one with the optimal grades, and I received an afternoon with an ass-breathed vice principal trolling local train and farm museums, followed by an awkward gorge-fest at an "old time" ice cream parlor.

One of the better outings was McDonalds and an afternoon tour of the local firehouse. Our guide was Mr. Nail, and no, this is not the beginning of a porn script, he really was "Mr. Nail". I don't remember his rank or first name; I just knew that my five year old heart was completely taken with him. Not because of his looks, or uniform necessarily, but because he only allowed one person on the fire truck, and that person was moi. Yes, being a Shorty McShrimpy had its perks for once. I stood out for being so little and he just felt sorry for me, I'm sure, but I got to do everything from get behind all the steering wheels to sliding down the infamous "pole".

To a kid this is amazing shit, to a female it's mind blowing. The only pole we get to option is that which accompanies sticky floors and lap dances. It's funny how physicality determines jobs with poles. Braun is the obvious choice for a firefighter, it just has to be. Whereas "bounce" is the likely status of those that slither up and down the poles in dark clubs that change their names every four months or so.

The firehouse pole was enough cylindrical metal for me in this lifetime, as I'm so not, or ever was, stripper material. (I've never even been in a strip club - such a sheltered life).

Mr. Nail was a volunteer firefighter; he was also a police officer. I found that out after writing him some retarded love letter that my father mailed for me. My family was out for pizza one night and of course, Mr. Nail in full uniform with his partner, appeared and was seated at the booth next to us. My father and sister humiliated me till I slid under the table where I stayed for what seemed like hours. I contemplated severing their carotid arteries when they slept that evening, but I thought that would complicate things further with Mr. Nail as he, himself, may have to arrest me, and I imagined he would take a dim view of the whole murdering thing, thus restraining myself.

I downloaded the first season of the show "Rescue Me" with Denis Leary, whom I adore (and always will), to watch on the plane when I went to New Mexico recently. That show is crazy and hilarious and it made me think of my first crush on Mr. Nail, who I never did see again.

I'm not into that sort of "man's man" kind of guy like I was when I was 5, I much prefer the metro-sexuals of today, but you really have to admire the types of people that do these insane jobs (especially when your own house is on fire - I was 9 when we lost EVERYTHING). Leary's show portrays them as repressed, sexist, bigots, and you have to have some thick skin to get it, but I found it highly entertaining and thought provoking.

The theme song for the show is the Von Bondies' "C'Mon C'Mon" (Detroit in the house!), which gives you a peek at what sort of music will be floating in and out of every episode. From John McRae to The Brian Jonestown Massacre, the music is a primary cast member of this quirky, but raw drama.

I don't love a man in a uniform, but I'll watch anything with Leary in it. He looks pretty awesome for an old guy, but I likes 'em all wiry like that. Kind of like Mr. Nail. =)

Currently listening : Rescue Me By Various Artists Release date: 2006-05-30